Bloom Release Day: the Story Behind the Story

When I took a break from publishing two years ago, I never thought it would be as hard as it was to get back into the swing of things. I love writing. It was the first thing I used to cope with things out of my control and it was the first time I ever felt I was doing what I was meant to be doing in life. However, through different life events, being virtually homeless (or at least no permanent home), and dealing with the ups and downs of trying to be a functioning human with new medication to make my brain work properly really took its toll.

I had such big plans last year to bring out a ton of books, but my heart wasn't in it, and I think most of you could tell. Though I'm still proud of the one book I did release last year, it wasn't what I wanted--definitely for the one and only release of 2017. 

When you're indie, it's drilled into you that you need to remain relevant. You have to write fast, write well, and make sure no one forgets about you. Here I was, returning to a world I had expected to stay the same while I was away and it was vastly different.

So after the release of Moonstruck last year, I was hopeful, yet a little discouraged. It was as if I was starting all over again and I felt lost. Stuck.

So what did I do?

I took a deep breath, bought a brand new notebook, and drafted the first five chapters of Bloom. Since Sunshine, I have never had a book demand to be told as badly. I filled that notebook in less than a month and typed it two months later. Meanwhile, the second book nagged at me to be plotted and written as well. 

Elliot and Fawn, the Order, and all that comes with this story is so totally different from what I've written before that while I was overjoyed to be writing every day again (and easily at that!), I was terrified that it would be rejected by the loyal fanbase I'd grown with because it's so different.

I should have known that I could count on them, but the writer brain makes you think dumb things sometimes. 

Anyway, I don't have a release schedule as such right now. I have tentative ideas and whatnot, but I don't want to lose the magic of the writing flowing through and onto the page by setting unmoveable barriers. I will always let you know when books are coming--and trust me, they are--but it's going to be more fast and loose than I've been doing things since the beginning.

I will say that I'm halfway through handwriting the second book and it's even better than the first. The third is already demanding I start plotting it. 

I really do hope you enjoy this book. It was a long journey, and it took a lot of self-doubt squashing, long nights, and balls for me to even mention pulishing it. I'm so glad I made the decision to do so and I sincierely hope you come along with me on this new path I've started down. 

Without further ado, here are all the links!

Buy Bloom HERE for .99 for a limited time!

Join the party HERE!

Enter the giveaway HERE!

Add to your TBR HERE!

Bloom (The Order, 1) Cover Reveal

Bloom Cover Reveal!

Today is the day! A day of love, flowers, chocolate, and the cover for Bloom!

And because I love you, I also added an excerpt! Enjoy and make sure you join the Facebook Party, Support the Thunderclap and Pre-order the book if you're feeling like spreading that love! Also, subscribe to my Newsletter to see an exclusive excerpt not shown anywhere else!

Bloom releases February 28, so mark it on your calendars! :)

The Cover:

THE SYNOPSIS:

Fawn was born into a life shaped by the rich and powerful. Given to The Grimm Order as an infant, sold at the age of nine to a  Suitor who would protect her from the “Mainworld”, Fawn always believed the people around her had her best interest in mind.  However, with the cruel man who bought her freedom, she finds just what the Order is about: money, control, and status for the Owner and humiliation and abuse for those they own. 

Sent back to the Compound that sold her, Fawn goes from golden girl to maid, content to live in the shadows of the Order as long as she isn’t Owned again.

It’s been ten years since she disgraced her former Owner’s name, and now the brooding Frenchman Elliot Lyon wants her. Master Lyon is kind, smart, and unlike any man she’s met. She doesn’t want to admit it, but Fawn is drawn to him despite constantly planning her next escape. 

Even the prettiest flowers have thorns, and Master Lyon is hiding secrets that will uproot everything.

The Excerpt:

It was hot. I was sweating and my face was flushed. When I opened my eyes, everything in front of me spun and I had to blink a few times before I could see clearly. I was in a hotel room, the walls around me a dark brown with generic paintings of fruit. The bed was large, the blankets on top of me too thick and heavy. I was alone, and for a minute I panicked until I heard the sound of running water. Someone was taking a shower. My heart pounded faster as I slipped out of bed and realized I still wore the ugly shirt and jeans they had dressed me in that morning. No buttons were undone and nothing was amiss. The only thing missing were my sneakers, which were sitting neatly lined up by the door.

My hands shook and my knees wobbled as I made my way across the small room to the door and put them on. There was probably security, alarms at the very least, but I didn’t care. This could be my only chance before my new hell began and I wasn’t going to waste it.

Of course it was locked; the only way to open it was with a key. I thought briefly about searching the room for it but stopped myself. Whoever was in the shower wouldn’t just lock me in a room with the key. Instead, I turned my attention to the wide window near the bed. It was darkening outside and there wasn’t anything to indicate where the hotel was located. All that stared back at me were lights from other windows with their blinds drawn; we faced only more rooms. We could be at the end of the earth for all I knew. These thoughts crossed through my muddled mind as if blown in by a sudden gust of wind. I was getting ahead of myself. I needed to take this one step at a time and get the window open. I could worry about where I was going once I was outside.

Surprisingly, there was only the standard latch and when it popped open no alarms sounded. The cool winter air hit my face and I welcomed it for half a second before I directed my attention back to the task at hand. The space was small and narrow; any other person wouldn’t be able to fit through—which was probably why they hadn’t bothered securing it. But I hadn’t eaten anything substantial in a week and I was thin enough to squeeze through. I was confident in that.

“You know,” came the voice with the French accent and I froze, my gaze locked on one of the windows outside, the fading possibility of escape mere feet away. “For a smart girl, you do not act very intelligent.”

That was it. My chance was gone. Now I would have to face consequences I couldn’t begin to guess.

“Turn around and face me.” He sounded bored.

I could do nothing but obey. If I didn’t it would only make it worse for me. Keeping my eyes on the white carpet, I turned towards the direction of his voice.

“Come closer.” 

I took a few steps forward, preparing myself for a slap or the bite of a belt across my cheek.

I heard him exhale an exasperated breath. “Mon Dieu,” he said. My God. “Stop staring at the floor.”

My eyes snapped up to him and there he was, the man who had bought me. His hair was damp from the shower, but he had tied it into a knot again. He wore a dark blue, long sleeved shirt and jeans, rich brown shoes.

His brown eyes traveled the length of my body before he spoke again.

“I will let you have this one, ma petit.” 

I gulped.  There was no way he was going to let me get away with this. The last time I attempted an escape, I was beaten so badly that I couldn’t walk for three days. He sighed as he crossed his arms over his chest like he wasn’t sure what to do with me now.

“Come sit at the table,” he said nonchalantly, and I heard the sound of a chair quietly sliding on the linoleum in the kitchen area. “I was just sitting down to dinner when you arrived. I wasn’t expecting you until tomorrow morning.”

I stared at the glass tabletop as I moved forward. It took a moment for me to realize that he had slid the chair away from the table for me—a perfect gentleman. With Master Jäger, I was lucky to eat at all, let alone at a table with utensils. I instead took the closest chair and sat down for myself, lest he decide to pull it out from under me the second I sat down.

He sighed, but he allowed it; he sat in the chair he had pulled out for me.

“They couldn’t wait to get rid of me, sir,” I mumbled, half aware I had said it out loud.

I sensed him leaning back in his chair. “You have a sense of humor.” I could almost hear his smile. “I like that.”

I held my tongue before it could get me into trouble. Between the hunger and the unbearable unknown that stretched before me, I felt tears already welling behind my eyes. I was sure they were about to run freely down my face when he spoke again, pulling me away from my racing thoughts.

“Are you going to stare at everything else but me all night?” he asked, sounding every bit still amused but almost on the verge of annoyance. His voice was just as deep as I remembered.

As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. Waiting to finally look at him, like pretending to be asleep, only prolonged things. Only made them worse when the actual events happened.

Slowly, I raised my head.

He smirked. “Better.” But his grin turned to a frown almost as quickly. He suddenly stood from the table, coming to my side, a hand on my face.

I winced immediately, his touch sending pain through my bruised skin and the slight smile he still wore making my stomach churn. He murmured something to himself in French that was so low I couldn’t catch it.

“Did you struggle?” he asked.

The question was so blunt that it almost knocked me off balance. Instead, I swallowed the feeling. “No,” I answered. “No, sir.”

His gaze was trained on me, studying the damage. He didn’t look like he believed me. “This is worse than before, no?”

I could only offer a shrug. I was sure it was, but I hadn’t seen it myself.

His grin returned. “They really do not like you.”

Pride swelled in my chest and it was hard to stifle my own smile. “No, sir.”

He let his hand drop and made his way back to his seat. I felt the air restored to my lungs as soon as he put distance between us.

“Are you hungry?” he asked.

The words were like needles in my stomach. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction, but the hollowness made it impossible. Take what you can when it’s given to you, I reminded myself. That was something I had learned a long time ago. Pride and self-preservation were important, but not more than surviving. Food was survival. Let him think what he wanted. My mind was mine and always would be. He wouldn’t know my thoughts, no matter how much money he had or how much control he claimed to have over me.

“Yes, sir,” I answered.

“Can you at least look at me when you speak?”

I hadn’t realized that my eyes had been fixed on the silver dome in front of me on the table, my only thoughts on what lay underneath and how it would nourish my body. My eyes shot up to him. If this was the only obstacle standing between me and food, I would remove it. He sat with his arms across his chest, a bemused expression playing on his lips.

“Sorry, sir,” I said, happy with how strong my voice sounded even as it remained soft, docile; everything he wanted. “Yes, I am hungry.”

He nodded his approval, reaching across the table to uncover the food in front of me before doing the same with his own plate. It was a large slab of meat, mashed potatoes, broccoli. Somewhere I knew the meat was steak, the juices running onto the white china pink with blood. I looked up at him with skeptical eyes as he handed me a fork. This had to be a trick.

“Should I worry about you using this as a weapon?” he asked, both of us holding onto it over the middle of the table.

“No, sir,” I rushed out, eager to eat what was in front of me. I would use my hands if I had to.

He relinquished the utensil and I grasped it in my shaking fist, spearing my food faster than my eyes could follow. I ate mostly the vegetables, and he cut the steak up into pieces for me with a knife, probably too cautious to let me do it myself.

I barely tasted anything. I was lost in it, the smells, the sensation of something coating my tongue other than bile. I was nearly finished before I remembered where I was, that someone sat across from me.

I had already broken a golden rule: never eat first. Always wait for your Owner to eat unless he says otherwise.

But Master Lyon stared at me with an emotion I couldn’t place. His arms were still over his chest, head cocked to one side as he took in the display in front of him. I wiped a trail of juice from my chin, mindful to at least use the cloth napkin.

Back at the Compound, such lack of manners would earn me a beating. “I-I’m sorry, sir.”

“How long have they been starving you?” he asked, indifferent.

I swallowed the half-chewed food in my mouth. I was overjoyed that he didn’t seem to care that I had committed such a crime as eating without his permission. “What day is it, sir?”

Master Lyon paused for a moment as if it hadn’t occurred to him that I wouldn’t know. His world was so much different than mine. He had freedoms and abilities I reserved for dreams; things I never had and only saw on the few movies and TV shows I glimpsed here and there. “It’s Thursday,” he answered.

Thursday. Swan’s birthday was on Tuesday—she had pounded it into everyone’s heads with her cheery, annoying voice. In the Mainworld, she would have been cute. In mine, she was another lost soul. A loud one that set my nerves on edge. “Tuesday,” I said.

Master Lyon blinked a few times, resting his hands on the table as he thought. “What was the last thing you ate?”

My mind flashed back to the sugary pink icing I thought was worth the starvation at the time. “Cake.”

His lip twitched with a fought smile. “It was someone’s birthday.”

I nodded.

“And you do not get such privileges,” he said. “Being the girl you are.”

I set down my fork, taking longer than needed to wipe my already clean mouth. “No, sir, I do not.” I made a point to look him in the eye as I spoke this time, unwavering and searing into him.

Whether it was my eye contact or my statement, I wasn’t sure, but he smiled and slid his mostly untouched plate over to me. “I knew you were a bit underweight.”

I couldn’t believe he was giving me his food and though I wanted to question it, I wasn’t about to act ungrateful for something I didn’t think I would have this morning.

“Thank you, sir.” I looked into his eyes again, finding a kindness there I hadn’t seen before.

No. I wouldn’t let myself think he was kind. He couldn’t be. Normal people didn’t buy women. Kind people weren’t in the Order. This was all part of the game. The players constantly changed and the rules slightly differed, but the way I maneuvered around these variables didn’t. He wanted me to think he was being nice so it crushed me that much more when he showed his true self.

But for now, I had food. I would allow him to think I believed him if it took away the emptiness in my stomach.

I am so, so, so beyond happy to be back to releasing books for you guys! See you again on February 28 for some more Bloom goodness, giveaways, and the story behind the story!

Moonstruck is LIVE

I first released Sunshine, my first ever endeavor into self-publishing, on January 26, 2013. Before that, I had tried to get it traditionally published and "failed". It's been a long journey and Sophie and Myles have never left me. I feel like your first book, in many ways, is a lot like your first love. You never forget them--the good and bad--and you learn a lot of what you want in a relationship (book) once it's over (published). 

Today, I published my eighth book. In five years, I have self-published eight books. It's a pretty surreal feeling to say the least.  

When I first started out, I had a very different idea about publishing than I do now. Mainly, the thing I've learned is that you don't have to ask anyone to make your book available to readers who want it. And this book in particular, is a book I think readers want.

Sunshine was by far the book that sold the most copies over these five years. Despite its issues, that it was my first book and I'm a better writer now than I was then, and the errors I made along the way. People are connected to the characters as much as I am.

So when I started to write this story from Myles' point of view, it flew off the page from word one. He wanted to tell his story. He wanted people to know what he was doing and why. He's made mistakes just like all of us, and I think he wanted to make me write this book so readers would see he's not just a character, but human like them.

Anyway, I just wanted to write a quick post thanking you all for sticking with me.

It's been an amazing five years, full of ups, downs, and twisty turns that at times made me so sick that I wondered why I was on this ride at all. But it's all been worth it and more rewarding than any other experiences in my life. I have all of you readers to thank for that. Thank you for hopping on the ride with me and holding my hand when things get scary and screaming with me when things are exciting. I truly hope you enjoy Myles' side of the first book in The Sunshine Series and fall in love with him even more like I did. Please share and leave reviews if you like it! They help authors so much!

Anyway, I just wanted to write a quick post thanking you all for sticking with me.

It's been an amazing five years, full of ups, downs, and twisty turns that at times made me so sick that I wondered why I was on this ride at all. But it's all been worth it and more rewarding than any other experiences in my life. I have all of you readers to thank for that. Thank you for hopping on the ride with me and holding my hand when things get scary and screaming with me when things are exciting. I truly hope you enjoy Myles' side of the first book in The Sunshine Series and fall in love with him even more like I did. Please share and leave reviews if you like it! They help authors so much!

Creepy Post: 5 Paranormal Creatures You May Not Know

I’ve been writing paranormal romance for over five years, but I’ve been a life-long lover of all things spooky, paranormal, and strange. My nana and I shared this love, watching A Haunting and Unsolved Mysteries and Sylvia Brown on the Montel show. In our family, there are and have been many “sensitive” or psychic people, and both of us had experienced odd things that we could only explain as paranormal, so it was logical (at least to us lol) to absorb it all. It was something we bonded over and always talked about, so I feel like some small part of me kept up with the research of strange theories and creatures for nostalgia sake, but I mostly just love freaking myself out. Throughout my research and general interest in all things strange, I’ve come across some really interesting things. Here are only five!

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1. Selkies

These are in the same realm as mermaids, only way creepier and without the singing undersea creatures. From Irish/Scottish folklore, these creatures are said to look very beautiful and seductive in their human forms. Most of the time, humans fall in love with them and wake to find them gone—their one true love is the sea. And here’s the kicker: they turn into seals in order to return to the sea. Yeah. You fell in love with a seal.

I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that these aren’t real (bummer) but never say never when there’s paranormal business afoot. However, in my search for any selkie experiencers, I only found a letter written to the Times in 1809 where a man in Scotland said they’d seen a mermaid. Really, all of these “sightings” are described as mermaids, which I’m not totally convinced don’t exist (because c’mon!).

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2. The Dybbuk Box

This is something The Shadow & Ink Series centers around and I was shocked to hear that not many people know about it. It’s actually a wine box that’s haunted by an evil spirit that can possess the living. It got its popularity when a guy posted the box on ebay, telling buyers all of the strange occurrences that had happened to him since buying the box from a Polish Holocaust survivor.

It was sealed with wax and when he pried it open, inside were two 1920s pennies, a lock of blonde hair, a lock of brown hair, a small statue engraved with the word “Shalom”, a small wine goblet, a single rose bud, and a candle holder with four octopus shaped legs. Among the strange things that happened to him after opening the box are: his mother having a stroke, nightmares involving an old hag (we’ll get to her in a minute), strange smells including cat urine and jasmine, hives, coughing up blood, and his hair falling out. Eventually, a museum director bought it from the first man and consulted with Rabbis in order to seal up the box again and then he hid it somewhere no one could find it.

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3. Old Hag Syndrome

Also known as “the night hag”, this phenomenon has been recorded throughout different folklore and cultures for centuries. It’s closely tied to sleep paralysis (which I have: basically your brain wakes up before your body so you are aware of what’s going on around you and can even open your eyes and look around, but you can’t move).

People say they experience someone sitting on their chest or in the room with them, often appearing as shadows or hags: old women with long white hair. Whether this is truly paranormal or just elaborate hallucinations is the subject of much debate within the paranormal and scientific communities, but either way it sounds terrifying.

 

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4.  Mothman

 Mothman is probably one of the most popular (I mean, there’s a movie and a documentary on Netflix about him), yet still little known paranormal creature. This creature, for whatever reason, has a special place in my heart and I’ve always planned to write a story about him. He was seen from November 15, 1966 to December 15, 1967 in Point Pleasant, West Virginia.

He was reported as a huge, bird-like creature with red eyes. People who saw him reported weird sounds, their cars stalling, and weirdest of all, rashes around their eyes as if they had been burned. The largest sighting of Mothman occurred on December 15, 1967, when the Silver Bridge collapsed, killing 46 people.

There are a TON of other creepy things surrounding this mysterious figure (such as Men in Black, strange apparitions, people disappearing, and even UFOs), but I think the most disturbing is that after the collapse of the bridge, he was never seen again except for some small claims.

 

 

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5. Hat Man

I actually have a personal story about Hat Man and you can actually watch me talk about it HERE.

Related to shadow people, hat man appears in silhouette, often at night or on the edge of your bed. Some people report that they can only see a wide smile, while others can’t find any distinction in the body or face. However, he is always wearing a wide brimmed hat, watching.

There are many theories as to what this figure could be. Some think he is a demon, others think he’s an omen of death, and some think he is somehow related to aliens. Shadow people are more widely known, sometimes paired with sleep paralysis and sometimes only seen in waking hours out of the corner of your eye. Some think shadow people are evil while others talk about how they had positive experiences with them, that they may only be lost spirits, but every person unlucky enough to encounter the hat man say that he has an ominous presence.

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So how do you like the new creepy post series? Anything you want me to talk about/research? Let me know!

Death and Rebirth: A Stream-of-Consciousness Post About Causes, Not Excuses

If you follow me on social media of any kind, you might have noticed how I’ve gone a bit quiet and that I’ve been having a bit of a rough time. Not the worst, but just rough. I figured I’d lay it all out stream-of-consciousness style for you to read or ignore or whatever. My brain’s a bit foggy so forgive me if it’s not my best work.

I should start off by saying that while this post may seem a bit dark, I’m okay, happy, and just a bit sick right now, which will affect my book releases; that’s what I’m trying to say, even if I go off somewhere. Nevertheless, I hope you follow along with me as I just blow through these lines without deleting much of anything besides typos.

For you to truly understand where I’m coming from, I feel it’s important you know a bit about my medical history. It is by no means as awful as it could be, but it’s still relevant to why I’m writing this now.

Ever since I was a little kid (around second grade or so), I’ve had some form of illness preventing me from doing things I enjoy—or hell, things anyone does like socialize, go to school, be with friends, read, write, watch TV, and the list stretches on to infinity.

At first it was anxiety.

I remember dissociating as early as third grade during story time. I sat at the back of the room on the carpet, convinced I was dreaming, that I did not belong in my body, that I wasn’t real, and had my first panic attack in front of 20 other kids who had no idea what was going on any more than I did. I remember rushing to the girls’ bathroom , just needing to be alone with these horrifying thoughts, and my teacher at the time (I remember her name, but I won’t mention it) ran in after me, shaking me by the shoulders demanding what was wrong, screaming into my face and telling me I couldn’t just leave class.

I missed school from the middle of fourth grade to the beginning of fifth grade trying to figure out what was wrong with me, going to countless doctors, specialists, herbalists, and physiologists before I was diagnosed with the mental illness that has plagued every female (and some males) in my family as far as I can trace.

Then in sixth grade, I became completely bed-ridden from debilitating headaches. I was put on homebound and my teachers came to see me three times a week, and I would cry at the thought of having to sit upright, of having to think with all the pain filling my head. More doctors, more questions that remained unanswered. This amped up my anxiety and I believe was a contributing factor in building my depression, this isolation and not knowing what was wrong. If I saw a commercial on TV for pills to treat anything I was convinced I had that illness, whether it be benign or terminal.

It turned out to be severe allergies, for which I had to get shots once a week for around two or three years.

Then I had a blissful reprieve until I broke my leg in eighth grade, resulting in a year and a half of more homebound, more isolation, anxiety, depression, two surgeries, and the first draft of Sunshine.

Throughout college, I had bouts of depression and crippling anxiety, but I forced myself out of it most times, convinced that if I kept moving, I could avoid it.

Then my dad died and it opened my eyes to a lot of things, one being that I was not as strong as I’d made myself believe, and that while that was okay, it had gone on for far too long. So I got put on medication and was fine for around four years.

Then came weight gain (50 pounds of it) without any change to my mostly vegetarian, plant based diet. Antidepressants fuck with your metabolism, so while I was more or less healthy, I was gaining weight and unable to lose it no matter how much I exercised.

I’m not a vain person, but when you look in the mirror or try on clothes and don’t recognize what you see, it really screws with you. Suddenly, I was back in third grade, questioning if I belonged in this body, if when I looked in the mirror the face staring back was mine.

So I switched to a medication for a month, had awful side effects, and switched again, adjusting dose after dose until I leveled out.

When the only insurance you can afford is through the state, there aren’t many doctors that will see you. In my area, there are so few that you’re convinced they don’t even exist and you resign yourself to suffering through viruses and forgoing treatment when you need it. However, I needed a refill of my medication—the thing that kept me more or less normal and functioning—and when my old doctor informed me that they wouldn’t do it without an appointment (that my insurance now would not cover), I was desperate and I found a different one.

This man was a predator in doctor’s clothes. Someone who spoke little English and used it to his advantage to remove my clothing himself and “examine” me when all I had come there for was a refill. This led to a bunch of legal stuff and I’m unsure if I’ll ever know the outcome. I can only hope he isn’t in a position to do the same to someone else.

Anyway, all of these things combined brought the depression back, and I was in a hole for three months where I barely worked, didn’t write, and mostly kept to myself. Even with the aid of a new doctor I trusted and a new dosage that usually worked, too much damage had been done.

This post has nothing to do with excuses, just causes.  I’ve never been one to use being sick, especially where my mental illness is concerned, as a crutch. I never say “I can’t do this because of XYZ”. Instead, I find myself more so saying things like “I want to do this but XYZ is making it difficult/impossible”. These are facts, not giving up, not failing. Just truths that once I come to terms with them, once I’ve tried every angle and still can’t find a way around the issue, force me to look at the situation for what it is and accept it. There isn’t anything saying that these obstacles are permanent, that I won’t be able to DO THE THING eventually, but sometimes, it’s unavoidable to put things on the back burner, and that’s okay.

Inwardly I’ve always been “sensitive” or “susceptible” while outwardly being “strong” and “impenetrable”—again, always moving so the things that bother me can’t have a chance to catch up. It’s always been my way of coping, and I’ve only recently come to terms with this part of myself. I never want people to feel bad for me, to pity my life, to judge me based on things out of my control. My message has always been to be as transparent as possible in order to connect and help others going through similar experiences.

Now, just in the past week, I’ve been having migraines unlike any I’ve had before. It could be from stress, could be from getting older, but bottom line is they’re crippling. Thursday I was blindsided—quite literally. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t move, and any noise or light was excruciating. Then in the days after, I suffered from residual headaches, muscle aches, extreme fatigue, and, you guessed it: anxiety and depression. 

I just went to the doctor yesterday and they’ve prescribed me something for if it happens again, but it’s really knocked me off my feet, made me question what I’m doing, how many angles I’ve tried to overcome certain obstacles, and how I’m spending with my time and energy. How much of it is spent working and hustling and how much is spent actually taking care of myself?

It doesn’t take a genius to guess the percentages.

So what does this all mean? Dunno. It means I’ve got another obstacle, but by now I’m pretty prepared for some illness wreaking havoc in my life. It’s been the rhythm of my existence and I’m okay with it as long as there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. It makes things harder and slower, but all things considered, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Instead of a tunnel, life right now is more like…a tunnel with holes in it? Instead of one point of light, there are multiple holes showing me the outside world, what I’d be missing if I withdrew into myself right now or ignored how I felt by pushing through things as usual. There is the end goal of being better at the end, but little goals and milestones along the way that get me by. It’s much better than just the tunnel. More realistic. More attainable.

Al and I are buying a house, which we should be moving into next month. My little sister is getting married, and I’m one of her maids of honor and I’m so excited to be there on that day, and it’s fall, my favorite season of the year.

Things are changing. The leaves are dying to make way for winter, then the growth of new life. The cycle goes on and on; death and rebirth.

Today, I decided to change too. I’m not going to be pushing myself as hard, and at the same time I will try my hardest not to scold myself for not doing enough when there are 10,000 words and 10 clients that say otherwise.  I’m going to do what is necessary to take care of myself, mentally and physically. I want to experience things without the fog of pain or the pressure to recover before I’m ready.

At the beginning of this year, I hit the ground running and planned out all of my releases and writing goals. It had been my aim to release a novel once a month for the remaining three months of the year (October, November, December). However, taking two years off has taken its toll on my ability (in my opinion) and, though it seems dumb, relevance in the indie community. Indie authors put out books at a minimum three or four times a year. Anything less and people are said to lose interest, and I guessed I was above that—or at least convinced myself as much when I needed to step away.

I don’t want to struggle anymore to find a voice, to reach readers. I’m tired of screaming into the void and hoping something echoes back at me. I think any artist feels this way from time to time, and being sick and not at the top of my game only amplifies this.  I want genuine connections and feedback, not just numbers to add to reviews and page turns on Amazon. All of this takes time, and I’ve come to the realization that for a while, I’ll be rebuilding an audience  to some extent.

See? Death. Rebirth.

Moonstruck will still be released by the end of October, since so many people are excited about it and it’s nearly done (I was just at the last two chapters before this whole migraine thing happened). It’s been five years since the release of my first book, and it’s important that this one be set loose into the world on Sophie’s birthday.  

However, I don’t want to push too hard. I don’t want to make myself sicker or less able to do my job and tell my stories to the best of my abilities, and I know that keeping such a tight schedule is hindering these things. So, for now, my releases are going to be a little more spaced out. Not by much, but more than I was planning.

Bloom is getting pushed back to December as of now, and possibly more if I need more time gathering interest for it since it’s a really important shift for me and now more than ever I want a book to do well. Other releases I’ll probably announce closer to when they’re being completed.

It’s incredibly difficult to admit defeat, especially when writing is my life, the thing that gets me out of bed, the thing that has helped me cope with all the issues I’ve outlined and more. I don’t want to be a failure, a disappointment, a lazy writer. But I can’t run myself into the ground either. I can’t force words out of my hands any more than I can force these migraines to leave my skull, the dark cloud to disappear by turning on a light, the anxiety to vanish with one look under the bed. I can’t pretend everything is fine when I’m floundering.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still writing—more than ever before—but for now I’m choosing to be more selective in when to share it all.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Not sure if any of this was coherent or even getting across what I set out to write, but hopefully something in here makes sense. Thanks for sticking with me.

MOONSTRUCK Sign Ups Are Here!

As you probably already know, I've been diligently typing away during every spare moment I have to get MOONSTRUCK, Sunshine in Myles' perspective, all done and shiny and into an actual book. While I only have a few chapters left, I have a few rounds of edits in my future and then there's the whole promotion part of things...

So, as I usually forget about things like this until it's most likely too late, I've made up a sign up list for the cover reveal, blog tour, giveaway(s), and release day.  

You can also join the Facebook party over here!

Any one with a blog, who reviews books, and can help me spread the word on social media can sign up!

You can access the form HERE, and since you've been so patient, here are a few teasers to get you as PUMPED as me.

Monthly Goals: September 2017

Well, that was a nice break wasn't it? Did you guys miss me?  It's finally fall, my favorite season of the year! I can just feel the spoopy filling me. Oh, and here are some goals for the month.

I've been busy with writing, querying, and my little sister's wedding, but I wanted to get back to the blogging schedule you've all come to know and love! 

So let's start things off with a good old Monthly Goals post. 

1. Finish Moonstruck by Mid-September

As of this moment, I am on chapter 15. That means 10 more to go before the first draft is complete! I'm having a lot of fun (and challenges) getting into Myles' head and going back in time by revisiting Sunshine. I know a lot of Sunshine fans are looking forward to this book so I hope I can make the story live up to it!

2. Send Moonstruck off to the most amazing editor in the world.

This is pretty self-explanatory. My editor has her work cut out for her, I'll tell you that much. ;)

3. Work on Moonstruck cover.

 I have so many ideas for this cover and I can't wait to make something pretty to go along with Myles' side of things!

4. Revise As She Slept and send to Beta readers.

If you didn't know (I mean, dunno how you don't since I never shut up about it), I've been seeking representation for my Adult Sci-fi novel and it even got some attention in #PitProm. I'm still making sure it's in tip-top shape and I should have it done by the end of the week for Beta readers to give me their input. If you're interested in helping out, make sure you join the Nikki Rae Fans group on facebook so you can sign up!

5. Finish typing Bloom by the end of the month.

Yes, the Dark Contemporary has a name and it's going to be a series! I hand-wrote 99.9% of it and now I'm typing it all up and making it pretty for editing, Beta reading, ARCs, and more! This is so completely different than anything I've written before and I cannot wait to share it with readers!

6. Start rough outline for  the third Shadow & Ink  novel.

I have ideas, guys. I just don't know where to put them all. Also not sure if this will be the final book in the series or if there will be more. I think once I get a few books finished, I'll have room to think about and organize all these ideas.                

7. Participate in #PitMad.

This is a pitch contest on Twitter where you have to tell potential agents and publishers about your manuscript using only 140 characters. If you know how much I hate writing synopses, you can imagine how much I've struggled with the decision of whether to get involved. Well, it's today, and I've already started. :)

8.  Post sign up form for Moonstruck!

Stay tuned for the next blog post (next week) for the sign up form and possibly a few teasers!

9. Post at least 3 blogs this month.

I have them planned out. I just have to find the time to write them.

10. Give myself one day off a week where no working or writing is allowed.

I've been writing a LOT and when I'm not writing I'm working, or researching, or promoting, or emailing--you get the idea. I haven't had a day off in a long time, and I want to avoid getting burnt out (which is why I took such a long break from publishing before). Last week I finally got frustrated enough with what I was working on that I took a break and started reading, hanging out with friends, and watching dumb TV shows--just for a day. It's nuts how much better I felt the next day and how much more motivated to get stuff done.

And that's it! What are your goals for the month?

All About Those New Releases!

In preparation for this post, I went and looked up the last time I released a book.  I used to put out at least two or three books a year, but last year hit me really hard depression wise, anxiety wise, life wise, and all-other -kinds-of-things wise.  The last time I put anything out was The Snake Den in May of last year. That makes it a WHOLE year since I've released anything at all.

When you're an indie author, there is this enormous pressure to release things quickly and as often as you possibly can. People buy our books because they're fast and easily accessible. When they see there's nothing new from you, there is always a risk that they forget why they fell in love with your writing and they move on to one of the many other authors who are more consistent. 

That was a big source of stress for me last year, and somewhere along the lines, I got fed up with it. I didn't want to stress out over something that had once given me so much joy. Writing was supposed to be my escape from things, not the cause. So I accepted the fact that I was burnt out in every sense of the word, took a break, and regrouped. I told myself that I would concentrate on my life, my mental health, and write only for joy. I wouldn't put any deadlines on myself and I would just take my time falling back in love with writing in the same way I was trying to fall back in love with myself.

In that time, I have outlined five books. I have completely finished one, and I've started three more. Around March of this year, I began to feel more like myself. More like my writer-self.  So one day, I decided I was ready to get back into this. I was going to query the book I had written to agents and publishing houses and in the meantime put out other work for my audience that I was proud of. As a result, instead of releasing three times throughout the year, I am planning on three times from the middle to the end of the year. Without further ado, here are the books you guys have to look forward to! 

*There aren't any titles yet, so I'm telling you the genre and some teasers and semi-descriptions instead. ;)

OCTOBER 31, 2017: Sunshine from Myles' Point of View

This year marks the five year anniversary of when I first released Sunshine. I've been toying with the idea of writing something within that world for a while now, and I finally settled on the first book from Myles' POV. So we're going to see him meeting Sophie, falling in love with her, and everything in between through his eyes. Where did he go when he wasn't with Sophie? What were his thoughts as the monsters were closing in?

In addition to Sophie and her gang, there will definitely be more Myles, Alex, Adrienne, Ava, Evan, and of course, Michael.

I haven't decided yet if there will be more books from his perspective or perhaps maybe revisiting the gang for a new start to the series or some sort of short story, but this first book is a definite and I'm already loving revisiting the story that began it all--Sophie and Myles' story as well as my indie career.

NOVEMBER 30, 2017: The Dark Contemporary Story

If you follow me on any type of social media, you already know that I've been writing a book long hand since April. Just last week, I surpassed the 150 page mark (and trust me, I write TINY) and I'm halfway through with the story.

This is a story of secret societies and cults. About children being used as bargaining chips and one of those children growing into adulthood determined to expose everyone involved and dismantle the society from the inside. A woman sold, she doesn't know what to make of her new owner, who is kinder than anyone she's ever encountered in her nineteen years living within a Compound. But is this love, and if so, will it survive what's to come?

It's the most adult, screwed up, dark romance I've written yet. There are more graphic depictions of sex, violence, and love than I've ever attempted and every time I jump over another hurdle there's another, but I feel extremely accomplished when I go back over what I've written. Although I'm nervous and continuously challenged with this one, I cannot wait to see what everyone thinks!

DECEMBER/JANUARY 31 : The Shadow & Ink Series Book 3

I know I was kind of mean to leave everyone hanging on this one back in May of last year, but it's for good reason. I really want this third book to pack a punch! Six and Corbin will be back by the New Year, and they're story gets darker before we see the light.

Six has disappeared and in his place is Zero, the person formally known as Rust. Corbin is back in a mental hospital and the only way out is through. However, even in the real world, things are never as they appear. I have not yet decided whether this will be the last book in the series, but I promise more creepy romance that unsettles your mind and comforts your soul. 

Six has disappeared and in his place is Zero, the person formally known as Rust. Corbin is back in a mental hospital and the only way out is through. However, even in the real world, things are never as they appear. I have not yet decided whether this will be the last book in the series, but I promise more creepy romance that unsettles your mind and comforts your soul. 

 

A side note about the Secret Sci-fi Story:

And all of this is going to be done while hopefully trying to get my sci-fi book published. Of course, if and when I have news on that front, you will be the first to know! It's been so hard keeping this book under wraps and not sharing much about it, but whether the traditional world loves it or not, I promise my readers that they will one day read it!

And that's all I have so far. Of course things may move around slightly or more things might be added, but these are the three projects I am working on diligently every day until they are done, out there, and in the loving hands of my forever patient readers. I want to thank you all sincerely for sticking with me all this time even if I wasn't releasing new material. One of the reasons I've always loved the indie community is because of how tightly knit we all are, and I've often considered my readers as friends. I had no idea until recently just how good my friends were and I'm thankful for each and every one.

So tell me, which are you most excited about? What would you like to see? What are you expecting?

Monthly Goals: June 2017

I CANNOT believe it's already June! May was a complete tidal wave of things happening and being busy. I also got a TON of writing done and I can't wait to share all the new stuff with you! Stay tuned, cause next week I'll be posting all about the books I plan on releasing this year!

Let's see what goals I have in store for myself this month as well as how I did in May.

1. Start outlining the "S.S." story.

If you're a member of the Nikki Rae Fans group on Facebook, you know what story this is. If you're not, why don't you join!

2.  Get things ready for Camp NaNo.

Every November, there is a thing called NaNoWriMo in which writers try to write an entire rough draft in a month. They also have a thing called Camp NaNo that takes place in July, and I've never been around to do it. This year, it looks like I'll be able to participate so I want to make sure I have everything ready to go so I can get it done.

3. Start outlining the third Shadow & Ink Book.

More on this next week. ;) 

4. Finish editing Secret Sci-fi Story.

I'm about halfway done with this and after not looking at the book for over a month, I remember why I fell in love with it.

5. Practice query letters.

I've already got an idea of what I want it to look like. I just have to find some quiet time where I can concentrate and make people believe my book is worth reading.

6. Research book agents.

An agent is who you send the query letter to. They then see if they want to take you on as a client and then shop your manuscript to publishing houses. It's daunting. Kind like going on a blind date except instead of wondering if they're gonna pay for dinner you're wondering if they're gonna like your book.

7. "Hire" assistants.

I've actually already done this. So far, I have three assistants who are willing to help me promote, gather reviews for books, and so forth in exchange for swag and books. They are lovely people and I can't wait to work with all of them. If you're interested in participating in this experiment of mine, please, please email me (NikkiRaeAuthor@gmail.com).

8. Wake up earlier and get more done each day.

I'm trying so hard to do this but I really want to buckle down and start waking up earlier more often.  Whenever I do manage to do this, I get everything done and I have more time for myself.

9. Have a board game night.

I'm lame and instead of going out drinking I like playing Balderdash or Trivial Pursuit. Whatevs.

10. Read before bed more often.

Self-explanatory. Maybe I'll actually get around to it this month.

11. Move Neil to the house where I am currently living.

Neil has been at my old house, where I regularly go to visit and feed him. I just generally miss having him around and I want him with me.

12. Consistently take my vitamin D.

I had to buy gummy vitamins so I would remember to take them. Hopefully the promise of a candy-like substance in the morning will work better than the boring old pills.

13. Stop talking/thinking negatively about myself.

Self-esteem is something I've been struggling with over the last year or so. I gained over 40 pounds on the last medication I was on and it messed up my metabolism so badly that it was impossible to lose weight while still taking it.  Now that I'm working out and eating healthier, I am slowly (very, very slowly) losing weight and toning up. Still, it's hard not to be negative about my body image when the image in the mirror doesn't fit how I'm used to seeing myself. I'm going to make a more conscious effort to stop the negative thoughts before I give them any power over me.

14. Finish setting up my story bullet journal.

Nearly done with this. Just need to make it pretty. :)

15. Start recording my dreams more.

 I only do this once in a while, when my dreams are super strange, but I would like to do it whenever I have a dream so I can better remember and even eventually control what goes on while I'm asleep. I just think it would be cool

1. Finish a good portion of the Dark "Contemporary".

DONE. I have made it past 100 hand written pages and I am past the halfway point of the story. I think I might need another notebook though.

2. Finish at least one book.

No comment. I did start like, five.

3. Start a bullet journal for writing stuff.

I have done this and I LOVE it.

4. Go on a hike/walk.

Al and I visited our friends in Pennsylvania over the weekend. We went hiking. I fell down a hill. Fun and bruises ensued.

5. Move up in cardio at the gym.

I got a little pushed back with this one because of everything going on and then I was sick for nearly two weeks. However, I had moved up before I got sick and I plan on getting back on track this month.

6. Continue looking at houses-------> DO NOT GET DISCOURAGED.

Still looking. Not sure how well I'm doing with the not getting discouraged part.

7. Only go out to eat once a week.

Most weeks, I achieve this lol.

8. Spend a few mornings each week or even take a break during work to do some sort of meditation. 

I haven't been meditating, per se, but I have been journaling, particularly drawing mandalas in my journal. It's relaxing and it also helps me clear my head.

9. Spend time working on blog posts in advance.

I've been semi-doing this. 

10. Finalize this year's release schedule!

I finally did it! Next week there's going to be a whoooooole post about all the books!

11. Listen to more audiobooks.

I've listened to pretty much half of six books. I don't know why I do this to myself.

12. Watch The Handmaid's Tale.

YESSSSS. If you aren't watching this do yourself a favor and do so!

13. Do something that's good for my creativity--go to a museum, a show, or something like that.

I didn't manage to get to anything like that, but my creativity has been off the charts lately from just writing more in general.

14. Write a VERY rough query letter for the Sci-fi book.

Haven't put it all together yet, but the main parts are there. Just gotta mash them together until they resemble something appealing.

15. Try to grow my audience more. 

Slowly but surely, I have been doing this. It's a hard thing to do, but I'm confident I'll be gaining more followers across all my platforms once I start releasing regularly again.

Interview With An Artist: Kelly Killagain, Tattoo and Fine Artist

My sister is a badass. She makes amazing art, she puts some of that art on people's bodies, and she has lotsa cute animals. You guys have been asking me to interview her for a little while, so here are your questions and mine answered!  Make sure you follow her art and support it when you're done reading!

Kelly Killagain has been tattooing since 2013 at 777 Tattoos in Manahawkin, NJ. She specializes in linework and dotwork, commonly known as blackwork, and also enjoys watercolor/abstracted color tattoos. Kelly also sculpts and paints and sells her work online and at craft shows. Her work can be found at www.kellykillagain.com or on Instagram (@kellykillagain). Be sure to check out her booth at The Makers Festival in Manahawkin on September 16th this year!

1. Are there any parts of the body you would never tattoo? Why?

Genitals. Because genitals.

 

3. What are some no-nos someone can avoid when booking an appointment/getting a tattoo?

I prefer people to book an appointment because they’ve seen my work and enjoy it enough to place trust in me and my style. That’s a great environment for good art to grow. However, there’s a surprising amount of people who don’t look at portfolios before booking with an artist. That makes it a little hard to find common ground if our style doesn’t match what you’re looking for, so definitely make sure you find an artist that makes sense for what you’d like. Then there’s the hagglers, the timers (also known as the “I swear it’ll only take 15 minutes” people), the micro-managers, and the “I found this online, I want you to copy it exactly” people. Just don’t be those people and have faith in the artist you choose. All I want to do is make great art that both you and I are proud of.                                                                                 

   4. What has been your favorite moment in your career so far?

It’s hard to say. I think I cherish the small moments more. I once tattooed a cancer ribbon in memory of a woman’s mother. During the session we got to know one another and I found out who her mother was—my old English teacher who inspired me to embrace creativity. When we connected the dots, both of us got a little emotional. I think it made the tattoo a little more special for both of us.

5. What is your favorite part of being a tattoo artist?

I have some really amazing clients, so meeting and working with them has been great and it makes it all worthwhile. I also have some of the coolest coworkers that I’m proud to call family.

7. Why did you become a tattoo artist?

Honestly, I never thought I would be a tattoo artist. I felt too awkward, too anxious, and too shy to even talk to a tattoo artist let alone try to become one. I was a fine artist at heart, so I went to art school in hopes of cracking the code of how to be an artist for a living or to simply land a job in the arts. Halfway through, I met the Pallotta’s, the owners of 777 Tattoos, while receiving my first tattoo. They opened my mind to the possibility of tattooing and about a year later I worked for them as a part of an internship/apprenticeship. I’ve been full time since 2013 and it’s safe to say I’m still pretty damn awkward, my anxiety is through the roof, and I’m still shy, but I’m making art every single day and that’s more valuable than trying to look cool while doing it.

8.How does it feel to tattoo someone? Weird or normal or....?

Weird mixed with normal. I draw on people for a living. That’s really weird. I also have no idea what other functioning adults do at their jobs. I can safely say that at this point, gloving up and marking people for life feels way more comfortable than trying to fax something.

 9. How does it feel to be the sister of an amazing author?
*This was not my question lol*

Nice one, Nikki haha. It feels great. I think all three of us Colligan sisters have been super supportive of one another in each of our different paths. If we ever want to pursue something, we know we have at least two super fans right off the bat

 

10. If you could tattoo anything on anyone, what would the tattoo be and who would it be on?

I’ve been having this urge lately to do some sort of animal related flash sheet where people can choose what they’d like and a percentage of the profits would go to a local animal shelter.

11. What other kind of art do you create? What inspires that?

Small sculptures, paintings, drawings. Everything I create sort of revolves around animals in some way and how weird humans can be in relation to other species. I also seem to make a lot of cats. It just happens.
 

  12. What does a typical day in your life look like?

Wake up early, have coffee, finish linework for the tattoos I’ll be doing that day, walk my dog, I’m at the shop from 11am - 7pm. Some days I come in a little earlier, other days I stay a bit later. I either work on one client all day, two clients who asked for medium sized designs, or I can do multiple smaller, simpler designs in one day. I usually get home by 7:30, have dinner, and then I sit on my iPad all night composing designs for the next day. I usually work until I feel comfortable finishing it with fresh eyes in the morning.

13. How do you balance everything?

Good question. I haven’t really figured it out. I think the only thing that’s proven to force me to balance tattoo art with personal art is by committing to craft shows where I have to exhibit/sell work, which means I HAVE to have inventory, so I have to use my time away from tattooing wisely.

14. What has been your favorite tattoo/client?

Well, that’s like picking your favorite child so I can’t do that. But I do have a few clients that I am too awkward to ask to lunch or go out for coffee with, but I would TOTALLY be friends with them outside of their tattoo appointments. They’re that awesome. And I think some of my favorite tattoos are the ones that I might’ve stressed the most about, so I have to remember that pushing outside of my comfort zone is usually worth it.

Follow Kelly

Monthly Goals: May 2017

Whoa. So it's the 15th of May as I'm writing this, so I might be a little late, but here are my goals for the month and how last month's went!

1. Finish a good portion of the Dark "Contemporary".

I've started putting it in quotes since it maybe might be Dystopian. We'll see. I'm already on a good roll with it--I'm nearly halfway done right now writing it by hand!

2. Finish at least one book.

I was doing really good with the whole reading thing, and then I just...stopped. I really want to get back into it and read at least for an hour or two a day, either during my "lunch break" or before bed.

3. Start a bullet journal for writing stuff.

You may know that I have a planner, which I carry with me like a bible, but I'm also super into notebooks (seriously, I have about 12 that are still being filled up). I've been contemplating the bullet journal system for a while now and would really like to implement it to keep my writing life organized.

4. Go on a hike/walk.

I did this a few times last month when I was feeling particularly crappy, and it helped a tiny bit, but sometimes a tiny bit goes a long way.

5. Move up in cardio at the gym.

I've been sick on and off all of last month and even last week with migraines. I really want to increase the amount of moving I can do, either on the bike or eliptical, at the gym. If my horrible knees can take it, I'm going to try to either increase the speed or the resistance. I gotta look good for my sister's wedding in October, man!

6. Continue looking at houses-------> DO NOT GET DISCOURAGED.

We have been slung back and forth with a few houses like a really hyper yo-yo-er is in charge of our emotions. We know it'll work out in the end, but sometimes it's hard not to feel defeated in trying to find a house we can afford, where we can see ourselves for a while, where we both want to live. We've put in offers on a few, but something has always come up where it didn't work out. I just have to keep reminding myself that the Universe is working in the ways it's supposed to, and I just have to be patient.

7. Only go out to eat once a week.

I've pretty much been doing this anyway, as it's easier to just not spend money and it makes me less anxious, even though I hate cooking and I'm horrible at it, to know that I'm saving some cash.

8. Spend a few mornings each week or even take a break during work to do some sort of meditation. 

I was meditating every morning before I started my day, but I found that the more work I had ahead of me, the harder it was to reach that space. I want to do it more when I'm stressed or just need a breather, so we'll see how that works.

9. Spend time working on blog posts in advance.

I was doing this quite regularly when I wasn't actively writing, but now that I am, it's harder to fit in the time. I still want to try though!

10. Finalize this year's release schedule!

I've started working things out--how long it will take to write, edit, revise, and promo a new book before it's out, and I plan on having a more solid plan by the end of the month.

11. Listen to more audiobooks.

Holy schmoly I have a SHIT TON of Audible credits. I need to start using them--at least I'll get some "reading" done that way if nothing else.

12. Watch The Handmaid's Tale.

OMG I AM WATCHING IT RELIGIOUSLY AND I FRICKIN LOVE IT.

13. Do something that's good for my creativity--go to a museum, a show, or something like that.

I never feel more recharged than when I'm with creative people doing creative things. I really want to do more things like that, even if it's small.

14. Write a VERY rough query letter for the Sci-fi book.

I've been researching query letters since high school and I've been writing synopses since college. Hopefully I can merge the two and get an agent to want my book with these skills. If not, I'll be changing this goal to eating an entire tub of ice cream by myself in a corner.

15. Try to grow my audience more. 

I've been slowly getting back to the promotion game when it comes to my books. It's hard to get people to look at your work and read it, but I'd really love to have more reader interaction and gain new readers! Haven't exactly figured out a way to do this as of yet, but hopefully something will work out.

1. Take a break from the Secret Sci-fi Project.

Did it. Still doing it. I'm gonna crack down on hand editing and then moving on to computer edits in June. My goal is to have it all shiny and nice for a few betas and querying by the end of August, so I think I can do it!

2. Look at houses (and maybe even buy one!)

Already mentioned this. Still going!

3. Start alien and cats short story.

Whoops. One day.

4. Make a house wishlist on Amazon.

Kind of started one. Kind of gave up with the lack of house.

5. Write at least 15,000 in Dark Contemporary.

Pretty sure I've exceeded this with the handwriting. I'm almost at 100 pages in my sketchbook!

6. Read a book/have a reading day.

Mmmmm. I started doing this one day, but then I got distracted by something shiny.

7. Find a psychiatrist. 

Eh. It's too frustrating and I decided that looking for one was ultimately (and ironically) taking a toll on my mental health. The whole doctor thing in general has me pissed off, disillusioned, and plain sad. I've decided to keep doing what I'm doing until I can get better insurance and not suffer in order to not suffer. If that makes sense.

8. Pay my taxes.

Done. I also found out that Metamorphosis made more money than it did last year, which was really reassuring that I'm on the right path and doing what I can to make it grow.

9. Write another review piece.

Still working on one. There isn't anything that's come along to make me quite angry enough as the Fifty Shades Darker movie, but I'm sure it'll happen soon since I hate everything.

10. Do something outside!

Al and I went on a few walks near the house we're living in. There is a horse farm and woods and a stream. It's very nice and I plan on doing it more often.

11. Go to Philly for the day and do something fun.

Did it. :)

12. Ask for review help for Animal.

Nope. Had no time this past month.

13. Write in my journal more.

Done. :)

14. Renew my car registration.

Did it. Still waiting for it.

15. Start a new show with the Mister.

We have! We watch The Handmaid's Tale every week when it comes out, we caught up on last season's Better Call Saul, and now we're almost finished with Master of None season two.

So, how did your April go? Did you fail as hard as me or did you do better? What do you want to get done this month? Let me know in the comments and we can motivate each other!

Why You Should Write (and share) What Scares You

If you've been following me for a while, you probably know that I have an editing business as my day job. I edit tons of things--blog posts, poetry,  erotica,  fantasy...you name it.  Every once in a while when someone is thinking of hiring me, they ask if I don't like reading about certain subject matter. I've always found this odd since I'm reading their work for editing purposes and not enjoyment, so it shouldn't matter. However, I have never quite gotten the kind of email I received today. 

I was being hired by someone who had written graphic sex scenes among other things. I had already skimmed through her manuscript and I was pretty excited to get into it later this week. However, this morning I saw that she had sent me multiple emails telling me that she was no longer moving forward with the book. She said that she basically didn't want people to know she had written something so messed up and graphic.

There's more to it, but to protect her identity, I'll leave it at that.

It was kind of disappointing that she saw something to be embarrassed of when I saw a lot of potential. I was disappointed that someone would let their fear of being judged get in the way of what they were writing. I was disappointed someone had spent time on this story only for it to be thrown out for no other reason than the author not wanting to deal with backlash from an audience.

But then again, I couldn't exactly blame her. I used to be the same way.

For a while now (I'm talking like, a good three or four years), I've had this story stuck in my head that I thought I would never write because I never thought I would be confident to accomplish it or that my audience would accept it. The Dark Contemporary Romance I've been diligently working on since March is that novel, and I plan on finishing and publishing it later this year. 

This book is my darkest yet (think Animal but way more twisted). There are adult situations. There is sex and violence. There are scenes that happen that I'm afraid of writing, let alone letting anyone read. 

I knew all of this when I finally decided to buckle down and try to write it to see where it goes. I knew that I would discover things about these characters and myself as it unfolded and I wasn't sure I would be okay with where I would have to go in order to tell the story the right way.

But I'm doing it. 

At first, I was toying with the idea of developing a pen name. Ultimately, I decided against it. If I write something, I want people to know I've written it, regardless of what they may think. A lot of my readers have asked me for something like this book, and I felt like I was hiding from them when the people that matter are ready to embrace it. It took me a long time to get to this point, and I'm going to share my thoughts on this below. I would be interested to see what others have to say.

When you're a writer--when you choose to write fiction for a career--it's your job to take a mirror and hold it up to yourself and then the reader. You're supposed to find out things about humanity that scare, disgust, please, and entertain you. Most of all, it is our job to make the reader think, and if we aren't constantly thinking of ways to do that, we aren't very good at our jobs.

If there is a story in your head, characters that won't leave no matter how much you try to ignore them, you owe it to yourself to write it. You owe it to yourself to make these things real and examine them and not be scared of what you find or what people think of you because of your words. 

We writers know a lot about fear. 

Fear of judgement, fear of rejection, fear of our computers crashing without saving, fear of people not understanding what we've written or misinterpreting our messages. We often have these entire worlds in our minds and putting them into book form is like trying to shove an entire civilization into a coke bottle. Getting up the nerve to finally share our worlds with others--most of the time complete strangers--is like throwing that coke bottle into the sea knowing that it is no longer yours, and whatever the person who finds it does with it is out of your hands. You hope they care for your little world as much as you do. You hope they share it and spread the message you are trying to send, but you can only hope. Your control vanished the moment you let go.

So being an author is already scary, and that's with any old "normal" book.

In society, we are conditioned to judge things out of the norm. We are told that women writing or talking or thinking about sex is wrong. We are taught that we don't talk about the dark stuff because it isn't pleasant. We think that sadness is a weakness and vulnerability is something that should be private. 

When you write dark fiction or something similar, you have the same coke bottle, but you're putting a label on it before anyone can decide what its contents are. Usually, this works to our advantage: people who like dark stuff are looking for dark stuff. But if your label gets smudged in transit, if someone translates it the wrong way, or if they refuse to read it at all, you can run into trouble.

Our fears are not completely irrational. People will take your little world and make it into something it isn't. They will read the labels wrong and they will hate its people and its rules. They will judge you for ever creating it and they will think that these dark things are inside you somewhere, that you can only get them out by writing and showing them to others, flaunting their ugly appearances in front of people who only want to see pretty words and pretty images.

The thing is, they aren't exactly wrong. 

Humans are made of light and dark. Some are on one side on most days, while others let their monsters play in healthy ways and others not so much. Writing for me has always been a good way to get this darkness out and lock it away so it isn't in me anymore. Sometimes it comes out as real problems I've experienced or watched friends go through, and sometimes it comes out as something I never expected and don't fully understand. I've always felt more satisfied when I finish something that comes from the depths rather than something that I pluck from the surface.

Not everyone can look into that mirror you hold up and like what they see. They don't even have to like it. They have to examine it. Some are fine knowing these things exist, that people do certain things and certain things are done to people, but they don't want to look at it up close for prolonged periods of time. 

Mostly, when someone criticizes my work based on the subject matter, I try to remind myself of this. It isn't my fault that they didn't like my book, or that they think I'm sick, or that I'm a bad person. They just don't want to see what we hide on the inside. They don't want to be reminded that the darker side of human nature exists, and showing them such things isn't right in their minds.

So what am I getting at here?

You have to do it. If you have story, you owe it to yourself to write it. You have to make it come to life even if its life is a scary and uncertain one. You have to block out all of the people throwing your bottles back at you in disgust and keep sending them out to those who need them. Those who need them find something in your worlds that they wouldn't be able to find somewhere else, and the majority are thankful to you for bringing them into the light.

Fear is something we all experience from time to time--it's part of the human experience, and it's our job as writers to experience everything human within us., whether it's pleasant or brutal. 

10 Reasons You Should Be Writing Your Novel By Hand

You may have noticed that I've been rather quiet on social media and all that stuff lately. It's because I've been WRITING. I didn't want to admit it, but I've been having a bit of a block since I finished the Secret Sci-fi Project. I used to write every single book by hand first--before ever typing a word. Of course, this would take me a bit longer than just typing it and having it all on the computer ready to edit, but I felt like I was missing something. I don't think I've written an entire book long-hand since Animal, and that was over three years ago. Now, I'm writing the Dark Contemporary Romance by hand and I LOVE it. So here are some reasons I think you should try it out. 

1. Writing by hand makes you a better writer!

This sounds kind of simple, but it's true. Writing things out works different parts of your brain than typing. Think of all the things you type or text during a day. Somewhere along the lines, your brain registers typing with a monotonous, everyday activity and not something special. However, when you sit and write in a notebook, you are subconsciously telling your brain that it's special-writing-time and it gives you license to let your creativity run wild!

2. There are a lot less distractions.

Your computer is basically a hub of people wanting to talk to you, things to read or look at, and cute animals. Most of the time, when you go on the internet to "research" something for your novel, you can get caught in a hole of Buzzfeed articles and quizzes telling you what type of pizza topping you are (I'm mushroom). When it's just you, a pen, and paper, there are less reasons to go off script so you become more productive.

3. Helps commit things to memory.

I always really liked taking notes in high school and college and it took me a while to realize that the reason was that it helped me remember the information I was learning far more easily than if someone just showed me slides or if I had to type something up. When you're writing your first draft, you are learning about your novel, your plot, characters, and everything that goes on inside that little contained world. When you write it by hand, you are more likely to know your story better when you commit it to screen.

4. It prevents self-editing.

I know I'm a victim of writing an obscene amount of words, taking a "break" (taking a quiz on what my eye color says about my digestive system), and then reading those words back and deleting them. I'm not saying you couldn't just as easily cross out what you don't like when you write by hand, but it's not exactly the same as making it look as though they never existed like you can on a computer. You're forced to look at this eyesore and you soon find out that you'd rather just leave those words and figure them out later, when you're actually typing. At least that's how it works for me. 

5. You feel more free.

There's something about writing in a notebook that brings back memories of me as a kid writing in a diary what I ate for dinner (I had a boring life lol). You feel safe and secure knowing that no one is going to read it and it can't accidentally get into the wrong hands. Plus, if you're anything like me, no one would be able to read your handwriting anyway. You want to write yourself notes? Do it in the margins! Want to give yourself a reward when you reach certain milestones? Put a sticker on it! You can plot and plan between pages, make them pretty or ugly, do whatever you want!

6. You can draw things!

This is a big one for me. Sometimes I'm trying to describe something and it's easier if I draw it out first. This can be people, decor, or whole floorplans. It doesn't matter if you have no artistic ability; it's just for you. You can even doodle when you get stuck so it keeps your pen moving and your mind thinking!

7.  It forces you to slow down.

Since we type so much in our day to day lives, we become typing machines. People type fast and they type often without thinking too much about what they are saying or how it comes out. When you write by hand, you're forced to slow down how fast the words leave your head and make it to paper. This gives you time to think of how to word things, if the story is going the right way, etc. It also makes less work for yourself in a sense, because you get the wording as close to how you want it the first time and you don't have to completely start from scratch.

8. It's satisfying in a different way than writing on a computer.

When you write ten pages in Microsoft Word, they tell you how many words it is. That in itself is pretty satisfying, especially when writing is often reduced to how many words your book is. However, when you look at what you've written by hand at the end of the day, ten pages is often a lot more and it's just a different kind of satisfaction. 

9. It's easier to take with you.

People take their phones, tablets, and laptops pretty much everywhere, but what if you're going somewhere you can't have electronics? What if you're going on a hike, or if your phone dies, or if you just hate that one class you take and want to look like you're working when in reality you're writing a novel? Notebooks are far more portable and they come in all shapes and sizes. I know that when I was in college, I had a few classes I had to take to get my degree (public speaking, spanish, health). Most of the information was already taught to me in high school so I was often bored. If I took out my phone, I would get in trouble. But if you're writing away as they drone on and on, no one is the wiser. 

*But use that last one with discretion. Sometimes you need to learn stuff.

10. All the cool writers are doing it. 

The whole thing that sparked my interest in getting back to writing in a notebook was a post Anne Rice made last week on her Facebook page. She was saying how she had written all day by hand and how much she loved it and it really made me remember how much I had loved it in the past. So I wanted to look up what other writers hand write their work before they type it up. Here are just a few:

Truman Capote

Joyce Carol Oates

Neil Gaiman

Danielle Steele

Stephen Fry

JK Rowling

Vladimir Nabokov

Quentin Tarantino

George R.R. Martin

Were you surprised by some of these? I know I was! Of course, my husband (second to Gordon Ramsay and E.A. Poe) Neil Gaiman is on there. ;)

So all in all, if you've never tried writing your work by hand, I suggest you do. It can't hurt to try, and not every method works for every writer, but you never know what you might learn about yourself and your story by exploring a new way of doing something.

Weak Characters

I wrote a piece on "weak characters" a while ago on my old blog, but I've been editing my ass off with this Sci-fi novel and a lot of these points keep coming up. Some of this information may seem familiar to you while some is completely new. Either way, I hope it gives you something to think about and discuss. :)

There is a lot of emphasis on character in writing, and no one knows that more than me. My favorite things about a book are the characters that dwell inside of it and bring it to life. In my own writing, I strive to make not just characters, but people--real and tangible, as if you would meet them at a coffee shop or run into them at the grocery store. These are people you grew up with, people you saw from afar and always wanted to know, your friends and enemies. You. Me.

I pride myself on the realism of my characters. I want you to feel their joy, their sadness, their pain. It is my goal that you think about them long after you close the book and go about your life. Mostly, the people who have read my books realize all the work I have put into them and they often say how they can relate to the characters and feel what they are going through. However, once in a while there is a complaint, which is only natural when you create art for a living. Not everyone is going to like or understand what you do, and that’s okay. It makes us human and different from each other. 

At first, it was hard for me to see where someone was coming from when they pointed out that my characters were weak. I found it hard to not take offense. I research my characters’ traits; I spend months sketching them out and bringing them to life before they are ever in a story. How can they possibly be weak when to me they are made of flesh? It took me a little while to really examine my characters and I eventually came to the conclusion that yes, I do write about "weak characters". In fact, I think I have a weak spot for them.

Without giving too much away, my new story has what could be perceived as a "weak character". This does not mean that this character has no driving force or personality, but rather that they are subjected to a lot of bullshit before they can learn and succeed. This seems kind of hard to imagine--this character being strong yet weak at the same time--but that's because I don't want to give any of it away. Instead, let's look at some of my other books.

In The Sunshine Series, we meet Sophie, who has been loved and criticized for her "weaknesses". She is allergic to the sun, she has a bad past, she doesn't trust people, and so on. For a lot of the book, she mostly hates herself and the world around her. However, she grows. She becomes more than her past and her ailments and that is what makes her weaknesses strengths.

Another character, Ava (from my book Animal), has anxiety disorder and PTSD. She is taken captive and cannot physically fight her attacker, so she has to use her mind--the thing that is so against her most of the time--to escape. 

Casey Williams is the main character in  The Donor, in which she desperately turns to something she never would otherwise in order to help her family.

And then there is Corbin (From The Shadow & Ink Series), who can't trust if Six is a figment of her imagination or real. She doesn't know how to help her mother or how to prevent herself from inheriting the same mental issues.

Many of these details are weak. I can admit that. But just because you are weak doesn’t mean that's all you are. Don’t get me wrong, I love a strong female lead as much as the next person, but my characters do not wield swords or bend steel. Although I write in the paranormal genre, my characters are real people. They have flaws. They bleed and cry and regret things. Most of the time, they have a hard time looking in the mirror, getting out of bed, or leaving the house. They cannot be expected to shoot flames out of their eyes and save the world. They are busy saving themselves.

While I can see how this can be misconstrued as weak, I also think it is a very two dimensional way of thinking that causes this theory of “weak characters”. A weak character to me is someone who has no past, present, or future. They are just a vehicle to tell a story. 

When I was younger, I watched TV shows and read books about heroes like Batman and Buffy, but I connected more to characters when they were vulnerable, when you saw the parts of them that contradicted their capes and special abilities. Many people cannot ever aspire to put on their underwear outside their tights and fight crime. Some have a hard time sleeping. Some have a difficult home life. Some find it hard to escape into things when they aren’t real to them. And then still, some have a completely normal, happy life and want more than the acrobatics.

Flaws are what make us human. While as human beings, we strive for nothing more than happiness and a life that is as close to perfect as possible, perfect and happy doesn't make a good story. Perfect characters are only appreciated when you see their flaws. Flawless people don't seem real because it doesn't occur in the real world. My characters grow as you read, they leave stains on your hands when you turn the pages. You cannot walk away from a book of mine without dirt under your fingernails. My characters stick to your teeth, get lodged in your throat.

They have no time to fight back with brute force. Honestly, they have no interest in it. The mind is a dangerous place, but it is also a source of strength that is often overlooked in today's popular literature. When I was a kid, my favorite books were The Catcher in The Rye, Night, and Running With Scissors.  I loved Ellen Hopkins and Edgar Allan Poe. The more sorrow, the better. The more flaws, the more interesting these people and stories were for me. However, I also loved Goosebumps, where the driving force of the stories are the plots.

 Perhaps the reason I read more stories that were heavy with anguish was because I saw myself in them. I wanted to figure out their problems and see them succeed as much as I wanted these things for myself. They made me feel less alone; like I was human.

I never really could get into all the books my friends were reading. I'm not a Harry Potter or Hunger Games fan. I don't get why people like Divergent or Twilight. I can appreciate the writers and the overall arc of what they are trying to accomplish, but for me, I can't connect. I can't feel anything. It's like going on a date with a really attractive person but being unable to find anything in common once they open their mouth.

That isn't to say that theses stories don't have characters with flaws or real problems. What I mean is that these flaws and problems often take somewhat of a backseat to the main "meat" of the story. These novels aim mostly to entertain and maybe have you think a little, whereas my goal is always to make you think first. One isn't better than the other; they're just different. Just as one person's life cannot be better than yours because they have more or less than you. You're just different and that's what makes the world go round.

When I started writing, I didn't notice that these "weak" things were in my writing. Now it's blatantly obvious. I can only ascertain that I created my characters in the same vein because I wanted this solace for others. The same comfort I found between pages in the library when the world around me was too scary.

When you're learning about plot, one of the first things you hear about is the basic character arc:  

1. Character wants something

2. Character tries to get that something.

3. Character either gets that something or doesn't get that something.

While this is incredible simplified, this is what all great stories have for their characters. Of course they learn and discover things about themselves and the world around them through this arc, but they also change. The most important thing is that they end up somewhere different than where they were at the beginning of the story. I think somewhere in all my creative writing studies, I got hooked on this idea of change. This idea of ending up the same person yet somehow forever different. My arcs are always the same, and I haven't decided if I like or hate it. My characters just want to be normal at their cores. Is that enough to make a strong character? I don't know. I think a better question to ask would be is it enough to make a stronger person?

Every single piece of literature you have ever read has one goal, whether it is a focus of the writing or not: explore what it means to be human. 

As a human, you go through ups and downs. Spirals and endless flat lines. You go through routines. You deal with the unexpected. The hero doesn't always come in right when you need them. You don't fall in love with the people you think you want to fall in love with. No one is coming in with all the answers to your questions. Sometimes, you have to find these things within yourself or in places you never thought to look.

My characters aren’t riding into battle with dragons; they are inching their ways to normal lives just like everyone else. While other characters in other stories are saving their kingdoms, mine are trying to rule their own destinies--to change things for themselves without completely changing who they are. 

They can still solve the crime, figure out the dark secrets, and become a hero. It takes strength to do these things without the aid of magic, muscles, or money. Overcoming fantastic beasts and obstacles put in place over the course of their quest is all well and good, but there is no obstacle quite like yourself. You can do nearly anything if you grow. You can feel more satisfied after you have lived with certain monsters and are finally able to defeat them.

Monthly Goals: April 2017

1. Take a break from the Secret Sci-fi Project.

Today marks the first day of my break from the Sci-fi novel. I just sent it off to the Best Editor in The World, so I know it's in good hands. 

2. Look at houses (and maybe even buy one!)

We've been steadily looking at houses and even put in an offer on one! However, two others also really like the house we chose, so we have to wait and see if we can still get it. If not, it's back to the drawing board. If so, it starts the process of inspections and all kinds of renovations and junk. So, it's exciting but also stressful.

3. Start alien and cats short story.

I don't know if it will go anywhere, but I've had this idea for a while and I'd like to explore it.

4. Make a house wishlist on Amazon.

Neither of us has ever lived completely on our own before. You need things like furniture, appliances, toilet paper, and all kinds of shit you never thought of. We want to eventually have a house warming party, so when people ask what we want, we can just send them to the list and they can bring some pots and pans.

5. Write at least 15,000 in Dark Contemporary.

This should be far, far easier than it was last month. I always write best when I just come off of finishing a different book too, so I have high hopes.

6. Read a book/have a reading day.

It's been so long since I could just sit and read all day, so I decided one weekend this month to do just that. Get comfy with snacks and blankets and then read a book from cover to cover. Just a matter of finding the right book. 

7. Find a psychiatrist. 

Cue long sigh...

So I went to the doctor and finally asked for Xanax for when my anxiety is unbearable. Turns out, they aren't allowed to prescribe it. Yeah, I've never heard of such a thing either. So, in order to get some, I have to get it through a psychiatrist. That means either finding one on my own that is under my network (which is HIGHLY unlikely) or getting on a waiting list for the one my insurance recommends I go see, which is 4-6 months. 

We'll see. It's all horseshit.

8. Pay my taxes.

When you own a business, you have to pay taxes to the government instead of collecting income tax. Boy howdy do I owe them money. lol. But, through this process I found out that I made 6,000 dollars more than last year, and Metamorphosis is less than 3 years old! I think it's a pretty sweet accomplishment. ;)

9. Write another review piece.

People seemed to like my review/analysis of Fifty Shades Darker, and I loved writing it, so I would really like to do something similar with some other movie/show/book/etc. everyone loves. Suggestions are always welcome!

10. Do something outside!

It's starting to become warmer out and I'd love to go on a hike or go somewhere like Popcorn Park (a freaking amazing "zoo" that has solely rescued animals). Something in the scary outside could be fun if it's warm and at the right place.

11. Go to Philly for the day and do something fun.

Al and I recently went to Philly to visit our friend Jonah, see the flower show, and go to an FKJ concert. It was so much fun and we realized that we don't do things like that nearly enough. Even if we're just hanging out in Jonah's apartment or walking around, it's a lot of fun and a change of scenery if nothing else.

12. Ask for review help for Animal.

I recently checked my Amazon reviews (which I honestly don't do too often) and saw that Animal is sooo close to that coveted 100 review mark. I would love to reach that milestone, especially with one of my favorite books!

13. Write in my journal more.

I've already started doing this! I find that when I'm just coming off of a big project, I really want to write, but sometimes my brain has a  hard time disconnecting from the computer and seeing it as a writing machine versus an editing machine. Sometimes my notebook is just a safe place to work out ideas and I'm really looking forward to using it more this month.

14. Renew my car registration.

This is one of those boring, necessary things I have to write down so I don't forget. Whomp.

15. Start a new show with the Mister.

We're already almost done with Transparent, which is pretty good. It's so hard for us to agree on something to watch, but when we finally do, we plow through it like no tomorrow. We just have to find something we both think we'll like and then we'll be off!

1. Figure out where the hell we're going to live.

We've been actively looking at houses so I'd say this particular goal is accomplished. However, we have a ways to go before we can live somewhere.

2. Get at least 30,000 words in the Dark Contemporary Book.

Yeah. I'm at about 22,000. But I did finish a different book so I can't be too hard on myself.

3. Confirm at least 50 reviews for one book.

I think I got around 35. Man, getting reviews is hard. Anyone have any suggestions, let me know. lol.

4. Solidify release schedule.

I have a slightly more solid schedule, and now that I'm done with the Sci-fi Project, my writing time will be more freed up so I can concentrate on realistic releases for all the books I have going on.

5. Read at least 3 books.

I think I read about 3 short stories. Better than nothing I guess.

6. Get back on gym schedule.

I've been slowly getting back to a dedicated two times a week and then adding a third when the mood strikes. 

7. Save more money!

Funny thing about looking at houses: it makes you realize how expensive a house is. So I haven't really been spending money on stuff unless it's essential.

8. Write a guest post for at least 1 other blog.

FAIL.

9. Go on a date with the Mr.

We went on a few last month and we also had a few days where we just sat inside, watched TV, and talked. I love dis boi.

10. Clean up my social media.

I have slowly and steadily decreased my friend count. Now whenever I see someone on my feed(s) I don't interact with, I just delete them. It's really that easy! Can't believe it took me this long. 

11. Post more consistently online.

I must be the only numb skull author who hasn't used the scheduling a post feature on Facebook. However, I can say that I'm loving it and I've seen far more interaction now that I've utilized this feature. 

12. Turn off all electronics after a certain time each night.

FAIL. I have a real problem with looking at memes until 3 a.m. 

13. Finish first read through of Super Secret Sci-fi Project and print it out.

Done. Sent off to the editor this morning and printing it this weekend. :)

14. Get a new freaking phone!

Still waiting fir a day we can go to get it done. Coordinating schedules is hard and I hate it. 

15. Get at least 10 clients for Metamorphosis this month.

I got nine, so not too shabby!

15 Things You Shouldn't Say To Someone With Depression

I make it a point that depression and mental illness in general should not be kept a secret. Doing so only creates more ignorance and perpetuates false information. It is something that is unique to each person who has it, and no two people suffer in the exact same way. No two people cope in the exact same way either, but one of my mechanisms has always been writing, so I hope you enjoy and maybe learn a thing or two.

1. "It'll be okay."

Yes, in theory, things will be okay. The sun always rises, tomorrow is another day, and there's plenty of fish in the sea. All of these things culminate into one shoulder shrug of a normal person who doesn't care to get to know how you really feel or how your brain works. Granted, some people have never felt depression personally and it is hard to explain and even harder for someone who has never experienced it to know how to react or what to say. The best thing is to just be there. Listen. Be quiet. Watch TV. Give them a blanket. Above all, be patient.

2. "Stop worrying."

I never thought my "worrying" was a real problem until I entered middle school. I will worry about any conceivable thing you can think of and about a million others you can't. I will think of that one thing I did in 3rd grade and worry about it. I will wake up in the middle of the night worrying about being late for a job I no longer have. These things I cannot control. My mind is a hamster on a wheel and he's always taking shots of Redbull so he barely ever slows down. If I could just stop worrying, I fucking would. Believe me.

3. "I thought you were on medication now."

This one is something I've been hearing (or it's been implied) more recently. Here's the thing: medication helps regulate the symptoms of my depression and anxiety, but it isn't like waving a magic wand and I'm suddenly happy every waking moment. I have sad days, days where I'm depressed, things trigger my anxiety for no reason, etc. Think of it as taking something for pain. It helps your symptoms, but you still inevitably feel it.

4. "I'm glad I don't need pills to function."

Well good for fucking you! You are an amazing person and so much better than me because of how your brain chemistry works. I bow down to the superior specimen of a human before me.

Honestly, if you don't have depression or if you have the type where you only need counseling, a walk in the woods, or more exercise or a routine, that's great. Taking medication sucks. I will be the very first to admit it. You have awful side effects (to name a few: constipation, diarrhea, constipated diarrhea, insomnia, fatigue, weight gain, weight loss, decreased sex drive or inability to orgasm--that one's fun--more anxiety, increased heart rate, and the list goes on), it takes forever to find the right pill (or combination of pills) that work for you, and it's a subtle reminder that you are different than everyone else who can function normally without medical intervention.

This mindset is the sole reason I waited and suffered for so long without asking for help. Once I found the right one, it was like a film was taken off of my eyes and I could see and feel things like I never had. My brain isn't worse than yours, it just works differently.

 

5. "There are people who have it way worse than you."

Some of my other favorites include: "There are starving people in China", "There are wars all over the world", and "At least you have a roof over your head". Well, first of all, thanks. You just added to the list of things I can worry about while staring at the ceiling late at night (because of course I have insomnia from my fucking pills that you are so above taking). Secondly, I KNOW THIS. We all know this. People think that pain is a contest. Someone is always hurting more than you and so your pain is somehow less in comparison. But pain is something every human being experiences and it is always seen as negative. People put value on happiness and joy because it makes us feel good, and less on what makes us feel bad. However, you need both to live in this world and truly appreciate every little thing. Someone else's pain does not make mine less valid. 

6. "You're pretty/young/have a good job, etc. Why would you be depressed?"

A doctor actually said this to my sister when she inquired about medication. A DOCTOR. That's how far this hypocrisy goes. Anyway, no. No, you cannot say that. What the fuck does any of this have to do with my brain and how I feel? Being pretty doesn't help me stop worrying.  Being young doesn't help me think any less about death. Having a good job doesn't make the black cloud following me disappear. Some people honestly believe that you have control over how you feel when you have clinical depression. The simple fact is that, while some things can help, you cannot control when these feelings overtake you.  Depression is a passenger in your body and a lot of times you don't get to decide when it takes the wheel.

7. "I was depressed one time in high school when my boyfriend dumped me."

Okay, I see what you're trying to do here: relate to me so I don't feel so alone or something along those lines. While these things could have affected you in a negative way, they most likely were not depression. Sadness is only one tiny part of depression and so many people don't know that. Other things include: anxiety, dissociation, OCD, shaking, hives, aches and pains, headaches, stomach aches, intestinal problems, ulcers, sleeplessness, sleeping too much, helplessness, fear, the crushing weight of existence, looking up at the sky and hating how small you feel and how you aren't even capable of putting on matching socks, buying a house plant because you want to be surrounded by life and then killing it because you can barely remember to shower so why would you religiously water something oh my god no living thing can depend on you, can it?

And the list goes on.

So nope, breaking up with your high school boyfriend of a few months like, 15 years ago is not the same at all.

8. "You just need to get out of the house."

Admittedly, sometimes this can help. Personally, when I'm depressed I want to cocoon myself in my bed and not move. However, sometimes if you force yourself to go for a walk or somewhere there are people, you can distract yourself for a while. It doesn't really make me feel better because I hate people and I don't want to do anything when I'm in the middle of a deep dark hole and outside is where the people are. People always disappoint you when life is pointless so why remind yourself?

9. "You just need to get more sun. I go to the beach every day in the summer and I'm always happy."

 I actually do have a pretty bad Vitamin D deficentcy, but it isn't really tied to my depression. For some people, maybe that's the case and it's that simple. For me, if I went to the beach every day in the summer I would:

A: hate people even more because we're a tourist town and all the shoobies drive me nuts.

B: Get burnt within an hour despite how much SPF 150 I slather all over myself.

C: Worry the entire time I'm outside that A and/or B are going to inevitably happen.

10. "A lot of people care about you and you're being selfish thinking you're all alone and sad."

Well thank you for clearing that up for me! I had no fucking clue that the stress and turmoil I put my loved ones through by simply being alive affected them at all! Thanks for bringing that to light and making me aware of it. Otherwise, I would have just continued being "selfish" the rest of my life.

Fuck off. For real.

I am so painfully aware of the people who care about me that it hurts. It hurts even more than if I was completely alone. When I'm depressed and nothing can make me feel better, the guilt that you feel at not being able to allow your loved ones to help you is worse than the depression itself. We honestly don't need someone to remind us of this. We think about it constantly and hate ourselves enough. But thanks, dick.

11. "Are you off your meds?"

Mood swings are another common occurrence with mental disorders. I have spent years working on it and can usually stop them before I lash out on anyone, but of course I have my days. If someone asks this question genuinely, if they are truly concerned, they will frame it in a better way and ask when you're not in the throes of a mood swing. Most of the time, the person doesn't really care about anything other than the fact that your pesky passenger is ruining their relaxing Sunday and they want you to stop so this is the logical conclusion. You angry. You need pill.

No. I am not off my meds. If I was, trust me, you wouldn't need to ask. You would know.

12. "Stop being so negative."

Negativity is just as important as positivity. People say this to me a lot because they mistake my honesty for negative thoughts. If I hate something, I'm going to let you know. Depression, as I've said, affects people in different ways. One way it has affected me is that I have been on both sides--happy and depressed. Hopeless and full of joy. It gives you a unique perspective and as a result, I've realized that just going along with things and acting like they don't bother you is a crock of shit. You're only hurting yourself in believing that the world should only be positive all the time. That isn't how things work. 

13. "You went out with your friends last night and had fun. I thought you were depressed."

Yes. People who are depressed, can, in fact, be happy. We can pretend to be happy too. But we can also genuinely feel joy when we're around our people or doing things we enjoy. How about instead of criticizing us for feeling what is most often rare in our lives, you be happy FOR us. Just because I don't fit into your "box of sadness" does not mean I am faking or dramatizing how I feel. Just because I have a night of fun does not mean my illness is gone. 

So kindly go suck an egg.

14. "It's all in your head."

Well you don't fucking say!

The whole point is that it's in your head, asshole. People can't see what you're struggling with, how you want to jump out of your skin, etc. However, things in your head can also affect your body. I get aches and pains, migraines, intestinal issues, and so forth. Depression, yes, is a mental disorder, but just brushing it off like this is harmful in more way than one.

15."Happiness is a choice."

This is by far the thing that I most often hear and probably the thing I hate to hear most. Sure, in theory, you can always "choose to be happy" (I will cut you if you say that to me, btw), but just because you choose something doesn't mean you get it. When you have depression, you can't control your happiness any more than you can control when you have to go the bathroom: to an extent you can hold it in, but at some point, you gotta go or you're going to make a mess of yourself.

Tea and Their Benefits

It's that time of year where the weather keeps changing. Will it be a bright sunny day with the promise that summer is on the way or a blast of Jack Frost's snot? It's anyone's guess these days. However, I find that tea is good no matter the season, and if you find yourself feeling a little sluggish, sick, or stressed, maybe this post will help. 

*stay tuned till the end to get a special chai tea recipe from yours truly! ;)

Black

This is probably one of the most common teas you can drink. It's often the only option at diners and restaurants, but that shouldn't discourage you! So many people go for the fancy tea, but plain old black (with milk and sugar, lemon, or honey if you want) is a staple for any tea drinker. It has caffeine in it most of the time, which is good but not as strong as coffee. It also has health benefits such as helping with digestive problems, lowering blood pressure, and even helping with asthma.

Green

This is the drink that comes to mind whenever someone mentions "antioxidant" and for good reason. This type of tea actually comes from the same plant as black tea; it's just processed in a different way! There are endless benefits with this one, so I'll name a few: anti-aging, it's detoxifying, it helps lower cholesterol, and helps with weight loss, and most importantly, at least for me, it boosts your immunity! I still get sick from time to time,but I find that when I drink green tea regularly, I get sick a lot less. I haven't had the flu ONCE since I started drinking it. 

Jasmine

You might not know this, but Jasmine tea is actually just regular tea with dried jasmine flowers in it. It might sound strange, drinking flower water, but it tastes amazing and it's pretty easy to come by. This one is good for stress relief in particular without sacrificing that all-important caffeine. The smell is relaxing and the actual tea is soothing as well.

Oolong

This is the tea that is most often served at Chinese restaurants (if it isn't green tea that is). It helps boost your matabolism, makes you alert, is good for your hair and skin, and even helps prevent osteoperosis! 

Lemon Ginger

I drink this one quite often. If you're sick, this a good one for sinuses and sniffles as well as tummy issues. If you drink a cup in the morning, it helps get rid of bloating! It also soothes pain and is good for ovarian cysts! This saved me when my cysts were a nightmare and I wish more people knew about it.

Peppermint

This is the tea I always reach for when my stomach hurts. It helps easy any pain or gas and it tastes great too! Peppermint tea is also the one I choose when I want to get stuff done because the scent is strong and trains my brain that whenever I smell it, it's time to write. In addition, peppermint tea is good for bad breath and respiratory problems, and even fevers!

Chamomile 

This is the stuff that sleepytime tea is made of. I drink this whenever I have insomnia and while it doesn't exactly knock me out, it does help me relax. It is also good for menstrual cramps, rashes, swelling, and if you put it under your eyes, it can help with dark circles.

Lavender

Lavender is another calming flower that I often add to my tea. It helps with insomnia and anxiety, and when you add lemon, it's great for migraines!

Cinnamon

Cinnamon is anti-inflammatory, so I often drink it when I have aches and pains. It also helps that cinnamon is one of my favorite flavors and I love anything with cinnamon! You can buy tea bags or simply add some sticks to your tea kettle with your regular tea. It also helps with bad cholesterol, improves circulation, and is rich in polyphenols, which help naturally stabalize blood sugar.

Matcha

Matcha powder is, in fact, just green tea. The leaves are ground up and you actually drink them along with the hot water instead of steeping them like traditional leaves, which makes it 10 times more powerful in antioxidants than regular green tea! One of the reasons I like this one so much is because it is the only type of caffeine (that I know of at least) that is both calming and makes you more alert without jitters. It's packed with good things unlike any type of coffee, and it doesn't make you crazy if you drink too much of it.

This type of tea is not for the casual green tea drinker. It's very strong, and packs a punch! But if you're adventurous and like green tea, I say give it a try! It's one of my favorites. :)

Rosehip

Rose hips are actually the rounded parts of the rose underneath the petals. They are high in Vitamins C, A, and E, and also have iron, magnesium, and potassium. in addition, this magical concoction can help improve mobility, reduce pain and joint inflammation, and is good for reducing cholesterol--particularly in people who don't use medication for it!

Like Jasmine tea, you can brew the rosehips by themselves or add it to your regular tea of choice. I like to mix in a little vanilla or almond extract, and it really makes it so you don't feel like you're drinking perfume.

Calendula

Another herbal tea, calendula is from another flower: marigolds!

This tea is crazy-powerful and packed with anti-inflammatory and antiseptic properties. As a result, it's great for bug bites, rashes, eczema, small cuts and bruises, and sores. It speeds up the healing process while at the same time protecting against infection! How cool is that? 

*disclaimer: this tea can promote menstruation, so you don't want to drink it if you're pregnant or trying to get pregnant. However, if you suffer from super long or intense periods, I would give it a try!

Nikki's Spicy Chai Recipe!

This is my go-to drink for when I want something nice and warm--especially in the fall and winter. It has a ton of spices and things that make you feel all fuzzy inside, so if you try to make it, let me know what you think!

*All of these measurements are pretty rough. After you make it a few times, you can tweak it more to what you like!

What you need:

• 1 inch of ginger root
• 1 tbsp ground black pepper (or 6-10 whole pepper corns)
• 2-3 cinnamon sticks
• 2-3 bayleaves, torn
• 1 tsp ground cardamom (or 3-6 crushed cardamom pods)
• 1 tsp all spice
• 3-4 cups water
• milk substance of your choice (I use almond milk, but any will work!), however much you want
• sugar (however much you want)
• 3 black tea bags (or around 3 tbsp of black tea of your choice)
• a pot
• a blender (optional)
• some kind of small strainer

How you make it:

• Pour water into the pot and add all of the herbs and spices. Wait for it to boil for around 2-3 minutes.
• Remove from heat and add the tea bags. Cover and let steep for however long you like. The longer you let it steep, the stronger the tea!
• Strain liquid.
• Add however much milk and sugar you like to some of the chai liquid (I usually go by color with the milk--a nice light brown. Then around two teaspoons of sugar).
• You can add this mixture to a blender to make it like a foamy Starbucks drink or just stir it like the rest of us mere mortals.
• I usually store the leftover chai liquid in the fridge and it keeps for around a week! It makes around 3 or 4 cups, depending on how much of the liquid you add to your milk or sugar.

*This version that I make may be too spicy for some, but I like it that way. If you don't like spice, just tweak the pepper and bayleaves!

Monthly Goals: March 2017

So...February pretty much sucked. I was sick for a few weeks, well for a few days, and then sick again. I fell behind in a lot of stuff and then finally caught up. But I have some new goals and I'm trying to look at things with optimism for March, so let's see what they are and how I did with last month's goals!

1. Figure out where the hell we're going to live.

I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but it's one of the only things I've been thinking about lately. Right now, we're (me, my sister, and Al) basically all between homes, house sitting for one woman and going to our other residences when we can. This means we're basically paying rent to not live somewhere solid, which I HATE. Since I was a kid, I have never felt like I lived in a stable place--it was always going to be taken away or disappear in some way. Now that I have a chance to make my own place with people I love, I am really eager to get the ball rolling. My dad's house was sold, but the closing keeps getting pushed back and we have no idea what small chunk of change we'll be getting, so once we do, we can make a plan and I cannot wait!

2. Get at least 30,000 words in the Dark Contemporary Book.

I was writing in this religiously before I got sick, so I'm proud to say I hit 21,000 words! I am loving this story and I cannot wait to get more of it done. However, I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself because when I do that I get burnt out. Also, I will be focusing most of my free time on editing the Secret Sci-fi Project, so I think 30,000 words is a good goal to start. 

3. Confirm at least 50 reviews for one book.

I started asking reviewers if they would like to review my book(s) again, and I am overwhelmed with the feedback already. I plan on querying a bunch each month, so 50 might seem small but it's a lot for me.

4. Solidify release schedule.

Right now, I do have a loose schedule, but I haven't cracked down and made it more solid. Right now it goes: Dark Contemporary in the summer, the next Shadow & Ink book in the fall, and a Sunshine novella or short story in the winter. If at all possible, there will be more between, but that's all I've got.

5. Read at least 3 books.

I met this goal last month with ease, so I hope I can keep on the reading train this month as well.

6. Get back on gym schedule.

I am actually starting that today. My medication makes it hard to lose weight in the first place, and after basically a month of not working out, I am less than pleased with my size and my health and my sister is getting married in the fall so I would really like to not feel awful in a bridesmaid dress. I'm also going to invest in some more workout gear, since I literally own one pair of pants and one shirt.

7. Save more money!

Every month I plan to save 500 dollars and every month I come up short. I think it would work better if I set up automatic withdrawals either once a day or once a week. It wouldn't be much, but it would definitely be better than nothing.

8. Write a guest post for at least 1 other blog.

I really enjoy being featured on other blogs, so if you run one and have something you'd like me to write about, hit me up!

9. Go on a date with the Mr.

Between work, stressing out about where we're going to live, both of us being sick, and all kinds of other stuff, me and Mr. Boo have not had a lot of time for just us. I would love to go on a date or stay in just the two of us one night. ;)

10. Clean up my social media.

There are so many people and pages that I don't know. There are groups people have added me to that I wasn't aware of, and I'm tired of getting notifications of things I don't care about and seeing negativity on my feed. Time to weed out the nonsense and make it simple again.

11. Post more consistently online.

If you've noticed, my author page as well as my editing page on Facebook have been more active than usual. That's because I am FINALLY taking advantage of the schedulig a post feature I've somehow neglected all these years. It helps me engage with readers/clients more and makes it easier to reach them when I have something important to say, so if you see one of my posts, give it a like so more people can see!

12. Turn off all electronics after a certain time each night.

I've kind of been forced to do this simply because my phone has been slowly taking a nosedive and I can't be bothered to fix it. Once it dies for the night, I don't recharge it because it takes forever and when I do plug it in, I leave it in the living room, away from where I'm sleeping so I'm not tempted to look at it and I have more time to read and just relax without being bombarded with technology.

13. Finish first read through of Super Secret Sci-fi Project and print it out.

I've been working diligently on filling in holes and submitting it to my workshop friends for feedback. I'm really close to having an actual rough draft with all the details filled in and once I do I can print it and edit it by hand (which always helps me way more than staring at a computer for some reason). That way, I can start researching agents and publishing houses the closer I get to being finished. I plan on having a synopsis and query letter by the end of April at the latest if all goes according to plan.

14. Get a new freaking phone!

Yeah. I hate this piece of garbage. It's cracked, it's slow, and just last night I broke the only charger I have for it (which I had to wrap around the phone to get even the slightest charge). I've been trying to get a new phone forever since I'm up for an update, but Sprint has awful customer service and so we need to go to an actual store with the person in charge of the plan, so it's just a matter of coordinating our schedules.

15. Get at least 10 clients for Metamorphosis this month.

I currently have 7, so I don't doubt this is doable. Even if it isn't, it's just a nice goal to have. 

1. Write at least 15,000 words in the Dark Contemporary Book.

Did it. As I mentioned above, I broke 20,000 words--5,000 more than my goal!

2. Eat slightly better--or just remember to eat.

Yeah, being sick completely threw off my diet too. I basically ate whatever I felt like eating because I didn't feel good and usually all the fast stuff is unhealthy, so I don't look forward to hopping on a scale anytime soon. However, I've been eating a lot better since.

3. Go for a hike.

This is just one of those things I didn't have time for last month. Also, any nice day I was sick and when I wasn't it was snowing. Maybe as it gets warmer I'll have more chances to do it.

4. Look at houses.

We started tentatively doing this just to see what was out there. There are definitely a few affordable options for renting or buying, but we can't look too seriously before we know what our funds are like.

5. Work on abs more at the gym.

I started doing this before I got sick and I actually saw some small results. I plan to get back to it this month. 

6. Try a new recipe.

We did this one night. The recipe itself was pretty meh, but we made it together so it was fun.

7. Start and stop working around the same time each day.

While it's hard for me to stop sometimes, I have been more consistently stopping my work around 6 every day and it has done wonders for my brain.

8. Stop going on my phone in the middle of the night.

Like I mentioned before, it's been a lot easier to do this with a broken phone. Instead, if I wake up in the middle of the night I read and it makes me way more tired than staring at a bright screen. I plan to keep leaving my phone in a separate room when I go to bed.

9. Start back at workshop group.

Doing it. Although I actually missed the Skype call because I was on a Nyquil journey, I did send in my story and got feedback, so I'm looking forward to doing that more.

10. Query some book bloggers and/or promote books.

I did both last month and I have definitely seen a small shift in sales, so I'll probably continue to do this in March.

11. Get Sci-fi book ready for hand editing.

Yup. Still doing that.

12. Start thinking about a new realistic release schedule.

Did it. See above.

13. Do something with the poetry collection!

Yeah, that didn't happen. I just forgot. However, someone at the signing this past weekend saw my prints with some poems on them and really liked what they read, so that was encouraging.

14. Work on Newsletter list.

I decided to wait until people got to sign up at the signing this weekend, so I'll probably get to this sometime in the coming weeks.

15. Gather some guest posts for the blog.

I got my first guest post last month from the lovely Shirley. If you haven't read it yet, I suggest you do!

And that's it for this month. What are some of your goals?

Movie Review: Fifty Shades Darker. Can I Use My Safeword Please?

When the books first came out, I had no idea what they were. Honest. If you know anything about me, it’s that I am always the last person to know about trends and what people are buying and why. Someone had told me they thought it was a book about a demon who makes a woman sign a contract to have sex with him (I am not joking) so I thought that book sounded interesting. Boy howdy was I disappointed on multiple levels.

I could spend DAYS telling you all the problems about the books, plot, character, editing, and subject matter-wise, but honestly I’m not about bashing authors and I honestly get why people like it. I do. If you read these books and genuinely loved them, that’s awesome. I love when people read, regardless of what it is. I think it’s amazing that someone can write a fan fiction, make people fall in love, and then create a whole phenomenon around it. Also, it has opened people’s eyes to BDSM (even if the books are flawed in this area) and if nothing else, they’re fun.

But since I was taken to see this movie this weekend, that’s what I’m going to talk about. If you loved the film, mayyyybe don’t read this. Or read it and disagree with me. Whatever floats your expensive sex boat. So without further ado, here are just a few problems I had with Fifty Shades Darker.

1. All the men in Anastasia’s life are skeeze-buckets full of skeeze

Let’s list the men in this movie, shall we?

There’s Christian, of course, the BDSM, billionaire, sex god, best man of all creation. We’ll get to his problems later.

There’s Jose, the friend that we’re supposed to feel bad for but he really is just as obsessed with Ana as the next guy, even going so far as to take “portraits” of her (which, come on, she’s looking DIRECTLY into the camera in some of them) that she does not know about and then he sells them for profit.

The boss, Jack, who seems normal enough and nice until he finds out Ana has a boyfriend, at which point he becomes a rapey fuckboy.

The brother, Elliot, who only appears a few times and god I hate him so much. I hate his hair, I hate how he thinks he’s sexy. I hate his stupid "bad boy" hoop earring. I hate that he’s paired off with Kate just so Ana’s roommate won’t be without a man (which, in this universe is something akin to having leprosy).

Oh, and then there’s Christian's dad, who doesn’t have any lines except at the gross benefit dinner that looked like it was shot in someone’s garage with party store props so I guess he doesn’t have a chance to prove his skeeze-abilities. Don’t worry, there are more movies for you, Mr. Grey!

What’s worse, any time we are shown how awful, controlling, and just plain creepy Christian is, the movie shows us that no, THIS guy is bad! Not her boyfriend, he would never do THAT!

I don't have a problem with flawed characters, especially male ones in a romance genre. however, all of these men's flaws (except for Daddy Dearest so far) is that they are obsessed with Anastasia. Which would also be a fine plot point if it wasn't presented as desirable. Ana is always treated like an object by men, and it not only is it treated as completely normal, but absolutely acceptable (with the exception of the boss, at least after a certain point).

2.  The characters seem to have no common sense, or maybe they just don’t care

The salon scene:

Ah, Mrs. Robinson. Damn, the woman from Batman has aged well! I seriously had a crush on her when I was younger and now I can say I still do. Honestly, can someone write a romance with her and Ana? I would watch that. 

Anyway, Christina wants to take Ana to a benefit. She needs a dress and to get her hair done, which of course, her rich knight in Armani armor is prepared to pay for. So where else would he take her but to the place he's taken every other woman he's been with? Yeah, the salon that he co-owns (but why? Does he really like hair for some reason?) with the woman who took advantage of him as a boy.

Any man who is supposed to be as worldly and intelligent as we're supposed to believe Grey is would have thought about this. He knows this woman makes Anastasia uncomfortable. If he thought hard enough, he would have figured out that it's a scumbag move to take her somewhere he's taken women he's been with before (who supposedly didn't mean as much to him as his vanilla goddess). Why? Why does he do this? His only explanation is that he's in business with her and that they're friends. Okay. Because it's rich, sexy, suit-wearing Christian, it's all forgotten by the next scene or two.

The ex-sub scene:

This woman has been stalking Ana since the beginning of the film. When she finds out about Leila (I think that's her name. They both pronounce it differently. For real.), she informs her newly committed and newly vanilla guy and he shrugs her off until someone destroys her car. 

Let's dive into the subtle, perhaps unintentional symbolism here. The car is the one Christian bought for her (of course). It's expensive and pristine. Only when it is destroyed is she taken seriously. Only when objects can no longer perform in their specific way are they explored and treated with the respect they should have gotten in the first place in this universe.

So he takes her on his sex boat to keep her safe. Of course. Why not. Anyone else think it was going to tip over? Anyone else WISH it would tip over? 

Anyway, she goes back to her apartment to get her toothbrush and of course the ex-sub is there.  Christian works his Dommy Dom magic on her and has her kneeling and handing over her gun in seconds, all the while the woman he's supposed to care about is barked at to leave.

Ugh. I hated this in the book and I hated it in the film. So far in this movie, your girlfriend has been stalked, sexually assaulted, and let's not even go into the mind games and manipulation. She just had a gun pointed at her by someone you used to sleep with--someone who had previously given you exactly the relationship you wanted--and you can't calmly explain things while your ex-sub is in subby mode, completely under your control (which is totally plausible and not strange)?

There's a lot more, but honestly it gives me a headache, so let's move on.

3.  It is quite literally a cock tease

Any time there was a conflict introduced, I got excited. I could feel it happening, I was wondering how it would unfold, and I slowly tried to build the anticipation in my mind (because Jesus this movie is boring and I was latching onto anything remotely interesting) so the payoff would feel that much more amazing (see what I'm getting at here?). So imagine my disappointment when I found out that this "conflict" was just part of a very elaborate shit sandwich.

Don't believe me? How about we break down the main conflicts of the movie.

Exhibit A, Leila:

We see glimpses of this woman throughout the movie. Great. Really trying to build the suspense here and trying to hint that she comes into play later. Like I mentioned before, Christian takes Anastasia on his sex boat to be safe (because why hire security when we can have a long-ass boat scene?). Then when she finally shows up, pointing a gun at Anastasia, it's diffused in less than a minute (I freaking counted, as I was counting down how much longer I would be tortured). They have a tiny fight back at his place afterwards, and then have sex again.

Sex, shit, sex. 

So really, it's a sex-shit sandwich. The worst kind. Don't wanna invite them to a pick nick.

Let's look at another conflict.

Exhibit B, the rape-boss:

Jack, the boss that seems cool until he's rejected. He's pushy, gross, and just a real dick to her once he finds out she's with Christian. Then he tries to rape her. This should be a huge conflict. It should be a main focus of the plot, as the story focuses on sex and you could do so much with it if you tried, come on! It's right there! Anyway, she knees him in the balls, runs out into the arms of her waiting boyfriend, and his driver takes care of the rape-boss. They go back to his apartment and Christian tells her that he has connections (OF COURSE) and had this man fired. That's it. No police, no charges, no nothing. Conflict over. Let's have sex in the shower.

And just because it made me want to crawl out of my seat and across the aisle to the door:

Exhibit C, the helicopter:

Okay, this was the point where I just wanted to scream. He takes a helicopter with his assistant (who is a woman, who we find out is gay or at least hinted at being gay, so it's okay that he's with her because any hetero woman can't control themselves around this brooding sex god) and it starts to go down. Everyone is in a panic because no one knows where he is or if he's still alive, so they all meet at Christian's apartment to gawk at the news. But oh wait! just as the news anchor announces that he's alive, he walks in the door! Hurry, make your family leave so we can have sex again. 

Gag me. And not in a kinky way. Just make me go unconscious so I can dream about getting those two hours back.

4. The sex scenes are all the freaking same

Listen, not for nothing, but I had to show my ID to get into this movie. Me, a 27 year old woman. I had to show ID because it's just that racy. 

For someone who is into "kinky fuckery", the sex scenes were anything but. There are a lot of shots of Anastasia breathing heavily and moaning as Christian barely touches her. There are two shower scenes--in one, they start off in the shower and she tells him to take her to the red room, where he breaks out baby oil and fucks her in time to the music. I WISH I was making this up. The only hint at BDSM is the spreader bar, which is used once, the benwa balls, which we'll get to shortly, nipple clamps that he puts on her finger for a whopping three seconds, and a few cuffs he takes off before actually having sex with her. Oh wait. He does spank her. Like, three times. Almost forgot. DIRTY! I suppose to the person that only has a vague idea of kink, this is super exciting. For me, I was more bored than when they were attempting to have a conversation.

5. “You’re not putting that in my butt”

Yeah. An actual line (in reference to the benwa balls). Overall, the dialog was a bit better than the last film; funnier, wittier, at least on Anna's part, but of course they had to throw in some golden lines like that. Some of my other favorites include: 

"I want you back. I want to renegotiate terms."

Romantic. Swoon. I now see what everyone sees in him. I take back everything.

Ana: "You should have told me."

Christian: "I did. You were just asleep at the time."

He said as if it was obvious that he was trying to communicate. They are, after all, in a real adult relationship and they love each other and it isn't creepy or weird at all.

6. They're in love, damn it. I mean it!

The last film, as far as I can tell, attempted to portray a story of a woman finding herself sexually...or something. I'm not really sure.  In this film, I feel like they were trying to disprove the argument that many people make about the books: it isn't BDSM, it's abuse.

I wouldn't have a problem with the movie trying to show this love that may or may not exist, but they go about it the wrong way. In this universe, love means money, material things, sex, and changing who you are.

The movie's opening scene is him sending her a super extra bouquet of white roses (because she's pure. Super subtle symbolism, guys. Great job). First he buys her "portraits" because no one can look at her but him. When they get back together, he hands her a box that contains a laptop, a phone, and a check for a mere $24,000.  There's the sex boat, the car (which happened in the last movie), the buying her clothes and taking her to fancy rich people things. I'm not discriminating against him because he has money. However, there isn't much else to this guy besides the fact that he's a billionaire, does some kind of business with important emails and phone calls, is good at sex (maybe. I'm guessing. Can't tell going by the sex scenes), and he really likes white wine (seriously. I think he drinks it more than anything else in these movies).

I really wish this story wasn't presented as a romance. I wish it was about something deeper with romantic elements. There are so many directions the author could have taken. This, for instance, could tell us more about his character. Why does he see money as love? Was it how he was showed love when the rich doctor adopted him? That would be interesting. It would be something to explore and things like that would make the entire franchise slightly more than just soft-core missionary porn disguised as something kinky, romantic, and mysterious. 

But getting back to the movie.

Anastasia isn't without her own faults. We can't blame everything on Mr. Grey (although I'm fine pinning most of it on him). She seems to think that love is people opening up to them about stuff they obviously don't like talking about. With her, I can understand where she's coming from. She really doesn't know anything about this guy she's about to marry. She can't touch outside of the lipstick lines that somehow last an entire day under a white dress shirt with barely any smudging. However, she can tell that his past triggers something painful in him and she can't take a hint. Pushing people to relive trauma is just as much abuse as coercing a virgin into a contracted relationship. That's just my view.

Long story short, the writers went out of their way to show how much the characters love each other, but it came off as desperate. No one wants a desperate Dom or sub. It ain’t cute.

 

7.  More Serial Killer Grey!

The first movie was ripe for the psychopath picking with these instances. I was so happy they kept the serial killer trope in the second film! It really connected the two movies. 

Let's start off with him showing up at Jose's art exhibit and buying the door-sized photographs of her. We don't see them ever again even though he spent a ton of money so no one would look at "what's his". I can only assume (fingers crossed) there is another playroom filled with Ana's hair, fingernail clippings, discarded tampons (don't even get me STARTED on them leaving out the pivotal tampon scene), and on the walls painted in her favorite color (white), will be her life-size portraits in black, white, and yes, grey. 

Then there's the file. THAT HE'S KEPT. He explains it away as "I've had a file made for every potential sub" as if it's comforting. Okay. So you used to be weird and you're used to your routine of filing away information on girls you think might let you spank them. Cool. Why do you still have it if you aren't planning on killing me so brutally that they'll have to go by dental records to identify my body (which, let's be honest. If there is really a playroom dedicated to Anastasia, he's going to keep the teeth)?

No, you can't go on that business trip. Well, okay, you can go on that trip with your boss, as long as you go with me. Ugh. From now on, my safeword is business-trip.

So the thing with rape-boss happens. She goes home, takes a shower, and he pours her a glass of (white, duh) wine. Then he takes it away before she can take a sip. Not necessarily serial killer material, I know, but come on! The least you can do after a super stressful day is letting your girlfriend have a fucking glass of shitty white wine.

8. Ana is a blank slate

Anastasia, the main character, who we are supposed to be rooting for, blows any way the Christian Grey wind dictates. She doesn't seem to have too much of a personality unless she is fighting or having sex with her boyfriend. As I mentioned before, the dialog is better than the last film. She's slightly more independent (or we're supposed to think so). She pays her own bill! She orders a quinoa salad! She makes that joke about icecream and tells him he's chopping that pepper wrong! Finally, a personality we only got a glimpse of in the first movie when she was drunk! Look at her go!

However, just when I start to like her she becomes a piece of plain ass toast, ready to be spread with any manipulative jam Christian wants. They try to make us think that she has a mind of her own. At one point, she even says something like "This isn't a relationship, it's ownership." And I was like, yeah! Good for you, Anna-banana! But then they have mind-blowing missionary and it's all forgotten in yet another sex-shit sandwich.

9.  The ex-sub. Of course she’s MENTAL. INSANE!

Leila, the woman who has been stalking Ana and eventually tries to kill her, was once one of Christian Grey's subs (which, in his language, means 'a woman I had sign a contract, sleep in a different room, and listen to everything I say'). She's insane. A crazy person who slits her wrists in front of him for no other reason than him coming in to rescue her. Then she changes her motive from killing herself to killing his current girlfriend. CRAZY! The actual diagnosis, even though Christian has a file on her and knows everything about everyone, is unclear. The only reason for her behavior is that she lost her husband (who she married after the relationship of her life, of course) and that combined with Christian's rejection makes her go off the deep end.

Yes. The only reason for mental illness in women revolves around men. Same goes for his mother. She was addicted to crack, so she was with some guy that abused him. It's always the woman's fault, right? Again, this would be a good aspect of Grey to explore. Without legitimate reasons, he just seems like an insensitive prick.

 

10. Abuse always leads to BDSM, you fool!

But wait, he isn't a Dom anymore, guys! He's a sadist. He likes to hurt women who look like his mother (this little tidbit of information is just glossed over before they have sex, by the way). I will say, if people have suffered from abuse, sometimes BDSM is a way for them to work out these issues. However, not all (or even most) people who are submissive or Dominant have had a history of abuse. On the contrary, most of these people are the ones you would least expect. In all honesty, when I read the books I was hoping, praying that Grey's abuse would be the key component in the story, show us what abuse can do to a person, and explore something deeper than run of the mill erotica. They have every opportunity to dive into this aspect and make an amazing story, yet it's treated as just a part of his backstory. In addition to that, instead of promoting and educating on the lifestyle, it is saying that only "damaged" people can possibly want these things. It isn't normal. Healthy, stable people who aren't emotionally damaged don't do these things.

 

11. They might be the most boring, Wonderbread, plain, milquetoast couple I have ever seen

You know, I wanted to go into detail here, but I honestly can't remember a single interesting conversation Ana and Christian have. They talk about parties, money, sex, his mother, Ms. Robinson, Leila, the sex boat, getting married (by which I mean a proposal. That's pretty much it), moving in together....etc. It's like watching a boring Sims family living out their lives after you've put in the "motherlode" cheat code and can buy anything you want. It seems like it would be interesting, but it's not. It's so boring that you want to take away all their doors or set the kitchen on fire without a fire detector. If you know what I mean.

In addition to that, I couldn't help but keep thinking that this movie was just an acted out erotica story, plain and simple. I mean, that's what the books are; I know that. However, there is a difference between books and movies (I know, shocking!). Some things seem more exciting and titillating because of the readers' imaginations. People like reading these books because they are most likely curious, a fan of erotica, or just want to do something a little naughty. Cool. I think that's awesome and empowering. You do you. However, when these things are translated to screen, they need more to carry it through as a story, especially for people who have never read the books. 

12.  The nudity isn’t equal, just like their relationship

I originally thought that the director might have been confused. This is a heterosexual romance between a man and a woman. The main audience is women or people who are attracted to men, or Jamie Dornan, or Christian Grey, whatever. However, we get one butt shot of Grey while we get close ups of Ana's boobs and the very hint of her privates multiple times. Christian isn't even all the way naked in the sex scenes most of the time--he's wearing a shirt or pants. Hey, I think Dakota Johnson is hot and great. I didn't mind. However, it was a bit obvious how lopsided the point of view was. The first movie was seen more through Anastasia's eyes, while this one was not. The only female perspective where sex is concerned is during that lame, sweaty scene where he's doing pull-ups with his shirt off and balancing on a freaking pommel horse (like, seriously? Who even has one of those?).

13.  Women have nothing to offer but their bodies, and men have nothing to offer but money

Anastasia wants to work in publishing. They even go into her work a little more in this movie (and more than they ever did in the books), showing a meeting, people arguing about online presence, and the selling of books. I really appreciated this nod to the indie community, and I wished I had seen more instances where Ana was passionate in every day life, not just when her boyfriend is kissing her neck or telling her to take off her underwear. 

Now, Christian says that he loves Ana. That she matters more to him than BDSM. But. And there's a big but. He doesn't really mean it. He doesn't really show that he means it. What he does show is that he's scared he'll lose her--that is abundantly clear. And as I touched on before, she has not much of a personality except that she sometimes works, sometimes eats, and when she gets mad, she can be funny. Christian has nothing going for him but money. They're one-dimensional paper cut outs smooshed together to have boring sex and live boring lives.

14. The word “No” doesn’t seem to work in this universe

There are multiple times in this film where Anastasia flat out says no, or she is denied her chance to say no, which is worse. First, there's the "art show". Ana, looking for her good old token ethnic friend Jose, stumbles upon the photos of her and, like anyone would be, is speechless. Jose's response is something like "Yeah, I know. But if I had asked you would have said no." 

Like, what the flying fuck? Yeah, douche. Just because you know her answer doesn't make it okay to ignore the fact that you need someone's consent.

Then Mr. serial-killer-sexy-suit Grey buys the photos and asks her to dinner. Ana says no. He says please. She says no. He says pretty please I just want to talk. She says okay. No does not mean "convince me". No does not mean "badger me until I give in". Jesus. I just...please just take your paintings and go home to your shrine-playroom, sir. 

Of course there is rape-boss too. He's the classic, "I'm not going to listen to you say no" character. This would be a powerful device if everyone else in her life didn't disregard her feelings. It would be good if he wasn't just a tool to show how "normal" and "not creepy" Christian is.  

15.  None of the negative aspects seem to matter to the masses

As you can imagine, I am not the only person who is not a fan of this franchise. I understand it, but I'm just not a fan. If you are, that's cool. Different sex boats for different folks. I get that people only see this as a fantasy, and that gets their motors running. 

Listen, I’m not here to criticize BDSM or the lifestyle. However, like most people (at least most that I’ve talked to), I'm of the opinion that this story isn’t really about BDSM. It’s supposed to be about love, how it conquers all, how couples can compromise to love one another, how you should change everything that makes you, you for someone who will not look at you unless you fit into their mold.

In the first movie, it’s all about Anastasia changing for Christian, trying to be a submissive woman when she isn’t really all that sure about it—or sex in general for that matter.

However, in this movie, I saw that Christian was doing much the same. Changing this part of him that he has lived with and come to terms with before Anastasia, and now trying to be someone he isn’t in order to be with her.

In both cases, in real life, this would probably spell disaster. Two people who are unfulfilled does not a happy couple make. I’m all about compromise in all aspects of a relationship. Not to toot my own horn, but you don’t stay with the same person for more than a decade without learning a thing or two about compromise. However, completely changing who you are, even if it seems vain because it has to do with sexual preference, seems just as wrong to me as Anastasia being more or less manipulated into having kinky sex with some rich guy just because it’s the only way he’ll have any sort of relationship with her.

The whole time I was watching this movie, I couldn't help but ask "Who is this film for?" The only answer I could come up with was simple: the fans. People who loved the books will most likely love the movies because they are attached to these characters, for better or worse, despite their flaws or perceived perfection. They want to see them come to life and relive that first time they opened the book(s) and fell in love. I completely and totally agree. That's why I can't knock people for liking what they like. It's what makes the world go 'round.

I hope you liked my review/rant. Hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings with my opinions. I genuinely went into things with an open mind, wanting the movie to be better and more realistic than the book, but sadly, for me, It just didn't get my sex boat started. However, I'm still going to see the next installments because I'm a bit of a masochist. Pretty fitting if you ask me.